Archie Comics is known for nothing quite like its consistency. While the Riverdale crew has gotten slightly more diverse over the years and they're all carrying cell phones now or whatever, in most of the ways that matter the teenagers of Riverdale are they same as they ever were: cheerful and relentlessly wholesome. Which, naturally, makes them ripe for a dark, gritty parody.

The Onion took a shot at the concept about four years ago in a news brief that described a graphic novel delving into the tragic eating disorder of Jughead, but now a team called Point Blank Creative has taken it to the next level. Check out their nearly four-minute trailer reimagining the Archie Comics gang by way of Gossip Girl, complete with premarital sex, drug abuse, pregnancy, secret gay lust, abortion, and gun violence.