Avengers Cologne Lets You Smell Like The Earth’s Mightiest Heroes. That’s… Great?
Have you ever been reading an Avengers comic and thought “You know, I bet those super-heroes smell terrific!” Yeah, me neither, but somebody somewhere did, because the latest tie-in to this summer’s upcoming Avengers movie has been announced, and it’s Avengers Cologne.
The Marvel Collection is produced by JADS international, the same company that brought you the Star Trek themed “Tiberius” and “Pon Farr” scents. If nothing else, they’ve got me curious, so check out the full line complete with their descriptions and my reactions after the cut!PATRIOT, the Scent of Captain America:
Description: A cologne that pays homage to the confident, stand-up-to-bullies, hard working average Joe in every man. PATRIOT Cologne is both reserved and sexy; like a symbol on a shield or a moniker on a motorcycle helmet. Fresh notes of green lime and white pepper are the first to hit with dry oak wood, sandalwood and tequila accords finishing the adventure. Perfect for any time or place, PATRIOT Cologne puts the Novus Mundus in your strong, sensuous hands for you to embrace and discover.
The best thing about the descriptions of these colognes is that they’re so florid that they read like the best/worst erotic fan-fiction that never quite gets around to the action. Anyway, I’m not really sold on this combination of scents for Captain America, as opposed to, say, a stirring nasal collage of gunpowder, vibranium and a faint hint of exploded sidekick.
Mark VII, the Scent of Iron Man
Description: A resolutely sophisticated cologne forged from the sea, the sun, the earth, and a touch of devil-may-care whimsy. Transparent, aromatic, and modern in nature, Mark VII combines mandarin, neroli, nasturtium and jasmine layered with light patchouli to create a contemporary expression of “I don’t play well with others” confidence; leaving you always ready for whatever a genius, billionaire, playboy-philanthropist might encounter along the way.
Wait, wait, wait, back the truck up for a second. You guys made a cologne that smells like lime and tequila, and you used it for Captain America instead of Iron Man? Seriously? Short of pouring a quart of motor oil into a bottle of Scotch, that’s about as close as you were going to get. Though for the record, patchouli does send an “I don’t play with others” message, mostly because nobody wants to be around you when you smell like patchouli.
Worthy, the Scent of Thor:
Description: This woody citrus cologne is a unique, meaningful combination of bergamot, frozen ginger and wheatgrass blended with a hint of fresh natural grapefruit and layered deeply with aromatic cypress. Basenotes are possessed with sensual, seductive tones of dark amber and cedarwood, protecting and enhancing a deep, dry masculine (dare we say almost God-like?) musk.
Remember what I said earlier about erotic fan-fiction? Yeah. Anyway, despite the promise of “God-like musk,” this is another one that seems to miss the mark. Thor is, after all, the God of Thunder, so why not go with something that smells less like grapefruit and more like rain? Then again, even if it was done in the name of authenticity, the scent of, say, “lightning-blasted troll” probably isn’t going to be a hot seller. So far, Thor’s in the lead.
SMASH!, the Scent of the Hulk:
Description: Very unusual and rare materials have been brought together to create a woody aquatic cologne evoking both a serene sense of timeless freedom and a single-minded, unbridled passion for life. Yuzu, bergamot and tarragon create clean, clear top notes along with unexpected accords of water lily and nutmeg. SMASH! then carries an intense woody drydown enriched with Indian sandalwood, vetiver, musk and sharp cedar. Complimentary to a full range of emotions, it wears well no matter where-at work, the lab or an evening out on the town.
While I appreciate the gag about rare materials and the range of emotions, this is the one that I really just don’t get. I mean, Cap, Thor, Iron Man, those are all handsome fellows. Hulk is an actual monster. And really, if I wanted to smell like a nerd with anger issues, I’d…
Wait. By definition, I do smell like a nerd with anger issues! Which is apparently water lily, yuzu, bergamot and — owing no doubt to my year-round love of eggnog — nutmeg. Nice!
Mischief, the Scent of Loki:
Description: Possessed of Superhuman strength, Genius-level intelligence, Mystical powers, Telepathy, Flight, Clairvoyance, Therianthropy, and Teleportation… who could blame you for becoming the greatest trickster of them all?
So wear your crown of baleful maleficence with pride; let mirth and mayhem stand ready at your side, anticipating your every command.
Test their mettle knowing you have nothing to fear; you are Mischief and you were made to rule.
I’m… I’m not sure, but I think that just said that this cologne will give you the power of flight and the ability to turn into animals. No joke, that is a pretty good buy at $39.99, although I do admit to being a little worried that they don’t actually list what it smells like. Then again, how bad could something called “Mischief” based on the god of trickery be? It’s not like they’d set this whole thing up just for a trick, right?
Infinity Formula, the Scent of Nick Fury:
Description: Colonel Nicholas “Nick” Fury.
Paratrooper, Ranger, Weapons and Demolitions Expert, Aircraft Specialist and Pilot, Green Beret. Veteran of every US War and Military Conflict since WWII.
Director of S.H.I.E.L.D. “The single most powerful, most important organization on the planet Earth.” And the only human strong enough to bring together a group of remarkable people who would fight the battles no one else could.
This is another one that doesn’t list what it smells like, but you know what? I don’t care. I want it. I want anything that makes me smell like this looks:
Lasers, rocket cycle exhaust and cigar smoke: 2012’s hottest scent.
But wait, it gets better. In addition to those six existing scents, there are also two more that have been announced as upcoming products:
The Spider-Man cologne, which will smell so good you’ll want the devil to retcon your marriage just so you can start dating again (or so bad that it’ll send your girlfriend plunging off the nearest bridge), and the Deadpool cologne, which… you know, I’m not sure I even want to know what that smells like. No good can come of it.
To check them out for yourself, head over to the JADS International website, where they have a Lando Calrissian cologne that comes in a little bottle with a cape on it, unquestionably the best thing to come out of the Star Wars franchise in the past thirty years.