The Most Bizarre Pieces of Disembodied Spider-Man Merchandise
When it comes to super hero logos, Spider-Man stands above the crowd. Thanks to his luchador-flavored wrestler mask, his face is an icon unto itself. As such, most anything with a near-oval shape provides the Web Slinger with fertile merchandising ground and boy, has it ever been farmed.
The human form finds its way into all kinds of inanimate objects thanks to the human brain's tendency to make with the gestalism, but more often than not, merchandise can afford to sacrifice a few limbs and hone in on a character's face. Assembled from around the Interwebs and the treasure trove of all things Spider-Merch that is Jon K's "Spider-Man Stuff" blog, this list takes a look at some of the Wall-Crawler's most bizarre incarnations through licensed (and potentially unlicensed) merchandise - specifically the kind that appropriates Spidey's facade disembodied style. Continue reading for a look at some of the most bizarre uses of his Spider-head, hands, legs, torso and other body parts through his history as a novelty collectible.
Spider-Man Money Bank
If the chronically penniless Peter Parker's head seems like an ironic place to stash legal tender, consider this: If you grow up to promote live wrestling events and short your top acts, they may stand idly by when your Spidey-incased dough is swiped. Later when said performer's uncle is gunned down, they'll learn a huge lesson in responsibility and the thousands of people they go on to save as a guilt-motivated costumed hero will really have you and your oddly-sculpted piggy bank alternative to thank.
When it comes to storing small objects in the heads of heroes, Spidey's round dome is fairly ideal. A few years back, the Web Slinger's cranium was probably too full of continuity to hold much, but thanks to Mephisto it's a synch to ferry fresh eggs from the hen house to Ma's skillet each morning on the farm.
Spider-Man Water Gun
Like most of his super heroic peers, the Web Head isn't a fan of guns. In the case of non-lethal water, though, he'll make an exception. Why, just apply pressure to his likeness' chest and it'll spew a full three tablespoons of the stuff at a desired target - just like the real Spider-Man.
You know the argument that Spider-Man's full face mask is capable of distorting his voice enough to preserve his secret identity? I'd totally buy it if I knew he sounded as muddy behind the mask as any of the mono music that bubbled out of this AM radio.
Spider-Man Light Strand
Linking together the severed heads of at least nine tiny Wall Crawlers, this strand of lights delivers a warning to every owners' hollow, plastic headed oppressors: I will decorate my tiki lounge with you.
Spider-Man Boom Box
I confess that subway commutes in NYC and other locales have rarely afforded me much tippable entertainment, but if the breakdance crews, hobbling vagrants and eccentric musicians that made my commutes so awkward carried one of these righteous boom boxes around instead of more generic models, I'd consider making eye contact when they went to pass the ol' hat around.
Considering Spider-Man built a flashlight shaped like his face into his belt to scare of petty criminals, lamps modeled after his cranium don't deserve too much scorn. Unless, like this particular rubber model, they sparkle...
Spider-Man Plastic Glove
It's a well documented fact that the one-gloved Michael Jackson was a Spider-Man fan. But what if the admiration worked both ways? Would Spidey sacrifice a hand covering in order to mimic the King of Pop? The proof, as they say, is in the glove pudding that I'm totally making up.
For children who couldn't decide if they preferred Spidey over Speedball comes the amazing Spider-Man "hop." Judging from the box it was marketed solely to lazy children who assumed the toy would do the hopping for them - and it would ahve too, if only a red bar hadn't pierced the skull of each and every Spidey head, leaving only a lifeless form to sit atop.
Spider-Man Bike Horn
Bearing an uncanny resemblance to its water-gun counterpart, this one-size-fits-all bike horn cracks wise just like the real Web-Slinger...if his banter consisted purely of dissonant "honks" and "wheezes."
Spider-Man Pogo Stick
When not in use as a counterproductive conveyance, Spidey's torse makes a fine hat rack/ballroom dancing partner/canoe paddle.
Spider-Man Mechanical Hand
I can't remember the storyline that saw Jedi-in-training Peter Parker maimed by his beam sword-wielding father in Cloud City, but I'm sure glad the Rebel Alliance saw fit to equip him with this handy mechanical prosthetic.
Spider-Man Hot Air Balloon
Technically not merchandise, but a grand conveyance modeled after a friendly neighborhood crimefighter's noggin does inspire memories of "South Park's" Mr. Garrison expanding his mind.