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Britain’s Real-Life Super-Hero The Statesman Battles Evil With Power of Incredible Facial Hair

Here at ComicsAlliance, we’ve been keeping tabs on the “Real Life Super-Heroes” for a while, chronicling the triumphs of Phoenix Jones, Guardian of Seattle and the somewhat-less-than-triumphs of Tennesee’s Viper, and today, there’s a new champion of justice walking the streets: The Statesman, stalwart defender of Birmingham, UK!

And not only is he the perfect candidate for inclusion in a worldwide anti-crime organization, should America’s real-life super-heroes ever decide to follow Batman’s lead and franchise into Phoenix Jones, Guardian of Seattle, Incorporated, he’s also the first real life super-hero to actually display evidence of metahuman powers.

And by that, I am of course referring to his totally sweet facial hair.

Yes, he might look like what would happen if Captain Britain forsaked his job as mystical protector of the British Isles in favor of taking a position as head security guard at the mall — and actually, why aren’t there more super-heroes rocking cargo pants? — but that is a set of mutton chops that brooks no sass from ne’er-do-wells.

Especially since the combination of the Motörhead ‘stache and the latex domino mask makes him look like a strange transporter-accident combination of the Comedian from Watchmen and Lemmy Kilmister:

If that’s not something that’s going to intimidate the criminal element, I don’t know what is.

And according to his profile in London’s Daily Mail, he’s already mastered the most important lessons for any super-hero, following the rules set down by comics: He has a boring day job that requires him to wear a suit (just like Superman!), he lies to his girlfriend about his whereabouts while he’s out fighting crime (just like Spider-Man!), and he somehow expects to maintain a secret identity despite having an extremely distinctive beard (just like Green Arrow!). He even wears a utility belt that contains his crime-fighting equipment, including a flashlight, a Sharpie and a little notebook (just like Batman!) (sort of!).

So for the English criminal community — which I believe is made up almost entirely of Bullet Tooth Tony and Lord Voldemort — watch out! The Statesman is on patrol with a mission to end crime!

Just so long as crime takes place betwen 7 PM and midnight. The dude’s got work tomorrow, you know?

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