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ComicsAlliance Takes On Toy Fair, Part 2!

Yesterday, we brought you the CA staff’s reaction to Marvel and DC’s Toy Fair offerings, but there are plenty of other toys on the convention floor in New York! That’s why today, we’re picking up where we left off, as Laura Hudson, Chris Sims, Caleb Goellner and Josh Wigler take a look at the rest of the new stuff from Toy Fair, with pictures gathered by Nick Nadel and Taylor Derwin!

STAR WARS

CS: I gave up on “Star Wars” completely after the prequels, but is there seriously a guy named “Cad Bane” now? What, was “Jerk O’Reallyevil” already taken?

CG: Whoever the Mandalorian dude is looks kind of cool. Then again, I like any action figure that’s a dude or a lady in armor with a jetpack and removable helmet.

CS: Is “Mandalorian” George Lucas for “Space Aryan?”

CG: Would Space Aryans resort to cloning? Good, bad? Hellboy is always too ambiguous.

CS: Considering that “let’s clone Hitler” is the plot of a good 30% of all comic books, I’m going to say they’re for it.

LH: This one’s a set of two lightsabers that you can join into one really big doublesided lightsaber.

CS: I’m starting to have doubts as to this guy’s midichlorian count. But you know, considering it’s my job to write about Batman, I think I’ve got it pretty good, but I’m pretty sure this guy’s job is to make the “fssshhhvvvvv” noise while he waves toy laser swords at journalists, and, dang, that’s got me beat by a mile.

LH: When did the first double-sided lightsaber appear? Was it Darth Maul?

CG: Yeah. Well, I think. I don’t remember seeing any in the “Star Wars Official Character Guides” circa ’95 when I cared

CS: It was the Big Reveal moment of Phantom Menace when the second blade came out. Well, if we’re getting technical here, the Big Reveal of Phantom Menance was that it wasn’t very good, but…

LH: How did this technology get lost by the time a New Hope rolled around? I’m not sure you can even call fighting two-handed “technology.” It’s really just “holding more than one thing at the same time,” which doesn’t seem like it’s easy to forget.

CS: Well, you have to remember Laura. All the Jedi were killed, except for the most powerful one who went to live in a swamp, and another really powerful one that went to Darth Vader’s home planet and lived about a mile away from his family, who everyone called by his real name, and who everybody thought was a “Wizard” even though he was part of a massive paramilitary government organization that everyone knew about less than 20 years before.

JW: There are a few reasons that the Battle of Hoth in “The Empire Strikes Back” ranks as one of the coolest scenes in the Star Wars saga, not the least of which are the snowy setting and the criss-cross maneuvering that Rogue Squadron’s snowspeeders implement to take down the AT-ATs. But in the end, it was an Imperial victory, thanks in large to those same elephantine AT-ATs.

Now, it’s a toy collector’s victory, as Hasbro is unleashing an all-new AT-AT for Star Wars fans everywhere. The Empire’s massive crawler stands at two feet tall and can apparently hold up to 20 standard sized Star Wars figures inside of it. Those numbers seem a little fudged, unless we’re talking about a quasi-NSFW action figure pile-on. Regardless, this plastic behemoth certainly dwarfs the AT-AT I owned as a kid.

LH: 20 figures is a lot.

CG: Note to parents everywhere: Buying your kid 20 snowtroopers is the action figure equivalent of hooking them to heroin

LH: “Snowtroopers.” I knew some kids in college who were “snowtroopers.”

CG: Side story: I knew a “snowtrooper” who was found by police walking half naked on the side of the highway in the middle of winter in college. They attacked and bit both of them or something.

LH: Wow, that’s like meth-level crazy.

CG: Yeah, there was proably some meth her system too.

LH: Is there any way that we can make “heading to Hoth” the new slang for snorting blow in the bathroom?

CS: There’s a sticker on this Boba Fett figure telling me I can get a Boba Fett figure If I buy this Boba Fett figure.

CG: Oh yeah, the vintage one with the jetpack missile.

CS: Oh, it’s a different one? For a minute I thought Hasbro was just cold messing with us.

JW: If I were in the collector’s market, I’d save my pennies for that AT-AT. The only other new Star Wars equipment that comes even close in my mind is the LEGO Star Wars “Hoth Wampa Set,” featuring an upside down Luke and a very hungry Wampa. It’s $39.99 and coming out in August, so unless something drastic changes between now and then, I think I’ve got a LEGO-sized Wampa in my future.

CS: Okay, yes, that is awesome.

LH: I think LEGO sets are the only toys I might actually want. Because I could build them.

CS: I love LEGO and hate Star Wars, so this one is a total nerd battle. A battle that was over the minute I saw the Wampa just chilling out with a turkey leg. He’s like “Hey, ‘sup? Yeah, just got a dude hangin’ upside down in the house. Nice ride.”

GI JOE
CS: So, to review: We can’t get a 25th Anniversary version of the USS Flagg so that I can finally stop being jealous of the rich kids I went to elementary school with and move on with my life, but we’re getting a movie-style reissue of this thing from the ’90s? That’s great, Hasbro. That’s just great.

LH: I’m not even sure what that is.

CS: Remember Superman’s Justice Jogger? It’s like that, but snakier.

CS: Ebony and Ivory, they’re ninjas in perfect harmony!

CG: You’re a Storm, I’m a Snake. Life’s a ninja fight, let’s shake and bake!

CS: Hey, if you can’t remember which one’s Snake Eyes and which ones Storm Shadow, don’t worry: Neither can Hasbro.

TRANSFORMERS
LH: Has Bumblebee always not had a thorax? He looks super stocky, like he had his midsection removed.

CS: His name was Robot Paulson.

CS: I know this has been said before, but I’d be really interested in seeing the ecosystem of a planet whose natives evolved with the ability to turn into VW Bug.

CS: Hey, remember that time Optimus Prime got a bunch of tribal tattoos? “The one on my back means ‘Peace’ in Cybertronian.”

CG: To the Transformers, knowing young Jeff Bridges is half the battle (“Tron” joke! Anyone? Anyone?!!!)

CS: Is this Movie Optimus, or the one from “Transformers Animated”? You know, to distinguish them from all the other versions of the Transformers that aren’t animated.

CG: He’s not as cool as the toys from the upcoming “Transformers” FPS videogame. I think it’s called “War on Cybertron.”

CS: Can you play as Megatron? Because I’d think being a guy that transforms into an actual gun would probably give you the edge in a shooter.

CS: What exactly is going on here? It looks like a sculpture of Immortus from the Avengers made with scrap metal. And sponsored by Chevrolet.

CG: I’m not sure – maybe some variation of “the Fallen?” “Megatron?” Oh, nevermind – it’s Pee-on-your-face-Bee

CS: Oh, is it from the movie? Is it one of the really super-racist ones that can’t read good?

AVATAR

CS: As if LiveJournal needed more to get worked up about, here’s a toy that comes with a program that lets you use a webcam to turn yourself into a Blue Space Elf Cat. I’m looking forward to seeing Chris Hansen cover this one in-depth on a future episode of Dateline’s “To Catch a Na’vi Predator.”

CG: “Are your kids ‘going native?’ Tonight, on Dateline.”

MONOPOLY

CS: Oh hey, it’s a new version of Monopoly with new street names and a new round board. Because that’s what the problem with Monopoly was. The board.

CG: It’s good to know kids will murder each other at slumber parties over something round now

CS: Hey, it’s also got “sounds and music to bring your game to life!” Or to drown out your friends, who suddenly become insanely competitive jerks the second a board game hits the dining room table. What I’m saying here is that I’ve had some bad Monopoly experiences in the past.

CG: Kids gotta stick with Ouija boards anyway. That’s where you learn who to trust: Friends who don’t move their hands. And Satan.

DARK HORSE
CS: Finally, we have the single best item at Toyfair: A figure of Alan Moore’s favorite comic book character (no, really), Herbie Popnecker. This is actually a pretty accurate portrayal of Herbie, but if it was really spot-on, he’d be walking through the air while traveling back in time while a young Liz Taylor swooned over him. But that’s kind of complicated for a vinyl figure.

CG: The world needs more irritating, indestructible nerds.

CS: Herbie isn’t irritating! YOU TAKE IT BACK!

CG: Not to me! But, you know, he bugs folks in the stories. Still, the ladies love him.

CS: I’ve got my eye on you, Goellner.

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