I was never that into RPGs as a kid. I preferred action games, like the ones where you fought Draculas with whips or used a raccoon tail to fly. As a result, I never really played Dragon Warrior/Dragon Quest, but even I remember seeing the iconic happy-faced Slimes from the games pop up in the pages of Nintendo Power -- and never once did I think "you know, I bet those things are delicious." Well, as it turns out, somebody did: As reported by Kotaku, Square-Enix has teamed up with the convenience store chain Family Mart to put out Slime-shaped pork buns in honor of the game's 25th anniversary. And as you might expect, they are horrifying. I'll be honest, the Pork Slimes are already starting off on the wrong foot in terms of marketing. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure they're delicious -- ComicsAlliance Editor-in-Chief and former resident of Japan Laura Hudson has assured me that the Japanese nikuman are a tasty treat -- but the fact that I can accurately refer to them as "Pork Slimes" isn't exactly what you'd call alluring branding. There's also the color -- not only is the human brain hardwired to be turned off by blue food, but According to Anime News Network, "FamilyMart assures people that it is not using artificial food coloring for the blue color." I'm not sure if that's actually reassuring to anyone, but for me, it just makes me wonder what they actually did do to end up with blue bread.

And then there's the video.

This is, without question, the single most horrifying thing I have ever seen -- and I watched an entire Twilight movie last week.

It's bad enough that they have faces, but seeing them torn apart, ripped down the middle of the unblinking, smiling face in order to reveal the (delicious) fleshy meat within, all set to a soundtrack of utter silence... It doesn't really make me hungry. In fact, I'm not sure I will ever be hungry again.

And it's not an isolated incident, either. Here's a dude actually eating one:


It is hard to watch. When he tears the top off and the thing just keeps staring at you with its (fully edible) dead eyes... even the guy in the video looks like he's experiencing a few moments of dread before he actually bites into it.

I will say, though, as much as it slightly misses the mark on "appetizing," it does make a pretty awesome celebration for the 25th anniversary of the franchise. If nothing else, seeing what it actually looks like to tear a slime in half in the heat of battle gives me a whole new appreciation for what our brave Dragon Warriors go through every day.