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Best Party Ever Will Terrorize Your Children With the Forces of COBRA

As my friends can attest, I’m one of those jerks who starts plotting his birthday party well in advance, which is why — despite the fact that the day itself is still months away — I got an email this week from Awesome Hospital letterer Josh Krach informing me of Best Party Ever, a company that specializes in spicing up kids’ birthday parties by sending in the G.I. Joe team to fight Cobra Commander.

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When I was a kid, I didn’t get so much as a magician, let alone America’s daring, highly trained special missions force, so clearly, this is something I need to get for my next party. Especially since the pictures they’ve got on the site make it look both amazing and hilarious.According to the website, the Joes and their mortal enemies don’t just show up to the party and stand around, they also have an entire day’s worth of activities, like Keep Away From Cobra

..which I understand has only led to thirty-two fatalities due to the Arashikage Death Trance this year. Which, really, is a pretty remarkable safety record for a game built around taunting ninjas.

They also promise “lots of fun, lots of laughs, lots of exercise,” the latter of which I’m assuming comes from what they bill as “Junior Joes Boot Camp,” wherein Duke leads the kids in a set of push-ups, with Cobra Commander just cold being a dick about it:

I’m not even joking when I say that is fantastic. If there’s one thing I know about Cobra Commander, it’s that he is exactly the kind of guy who would show up at a child’s party and mess with the entertainment.

And speaking of entertainment, there’s a swordfight (described by the site as “AWESOME”) between Scarlett and the Baroness:

Mock me all you want for seriously considering shelling out the money for this on my 29th, but if you can ask yourself “Do I want to see the Baroness and Scarlett fight each other with swords at my birthday party this year?” and honestly answer “no,” then you and I have nothing further to say to each other.

There’s also whatever’s going on here:

“Hurry, you insssssolent fool! If we don’t win the Piggyback race, Sssscarlett and the Baronesssss get the firssst ssssswing at Timmy’s Piñata!”

And if that wasn’t enough, you get the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to get photobombed by Snake-Eyes!

My favorite of the 75 pictures they’ve put up, however, is this one:

Duke, in complete disbelief that these kids would invite Cobra Commander to their birthday party. “I don’t care if he bought you an XBox! He’s an international terrorist! You — okay, that’s it. Time for push-ups.”

Sadly, Best Party Ever only services the greater Los Angeles area — which, now that I think of it, is a pretty small theater of operations for an international peacekeeping task force — but if you’re in the area, keep in mind that they’ve got more themes to offer than just G.I. Joe, including Pokemon, Avatar: The Last Airbender, and the 1966 Batman TV show, as well as a package where both Spider-Man and Batman will hang out in your back yard to pose for awkward family photos:

Basically, what I’m trying to say here is that I need to start saving for a trip to LA now. I’ve got ’til August to to make this work.

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