Hostess To Close, Leave World Unprotected From Hungry Supervillains
Sad news for fans of diabetes: Hostess, the makers of Twinkies, Zingers, Ding Dongs and a line of Fruit Pies has shut down its operations due to cash flow problems and an unwillingness to compromise with striking workers. And while I’m no financial expert, I think we all know the reason for Hostess’s decline: They stopped advertising in comic books.
Admittedly, claiming that their products were good enough to prevent people from robbing Fort Knox might’ve been sowing the seeds of disappointment in their consumers. But at the same time, they wouldn’t be able to print that stuff if it wasn’t true, which leads me to believe that without Hostess, the world is in dire peril from hungry supervillains. So to mark he passing of these sugary treats, I’ve picked out a few of my favorite ads from that bygone era! Check ’em out after the cut!
In an uncharacteristically villainous move, Josie attempts to thwart a romantic rival by ruining her figure with fattening pastries:
That gluttonous redhead would go on to become Mary Jane Watson, who drops the single most vicious burn in Peter Parker’s life:
Hey, you know what’s good to do when you’re in the middle of an athletic event? Shove cake into your mouth and then run around for a while:
Not gonna lie, pretty much just included this one for the title:
And also this one.
Hey, remember that time Nitro blew up a schoolbus full of kids and started Civil War? If only one of those students had packed Ding-Dongs for lunch, we could’ve avoided so many Mark Millar comics:
I hope you’re ready for a world where we have no defense at all against gigantic robotic rhinoceri:
And against roving girl gangs who love mink and head-to-toe luge uniforms:
Finally, we have the single greatest villain to ever be thwarted by pastries, the philosophically sinister Kwirkegard. I am not even kidding when I say that Marvel needs to bring this guy back immediately if not sooner:
But now, there is nothing stopping a dude in a bathrobe with a death ray from inflicting existential dread onto the citizens of New York. Truly, these are dark times.
For more Hostess comics, check out a pretty thorough online gallery that also does a nice job of explaining why Richie Rich will be first against the wall when the Revolution comes.