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How To Become a “Real Superhero”: The 4-Step Process

Anything to keep the mother-faced spiders away.

With “Kick-Ass” prepared to be shot off into filmic infinity this Friday, the ad campaign has really hit the swoon-inducing mark. One can’t even make it through fifteen minutes of UFC carnage without the curly-haired protagonist asking, as the source material did, “How come nobody’s ever tried to be a superhero?”

Um, sorry, plucky hero/Mark Millar and John Romita Jr. — people have tried. They’ve even been on CNN. That’s the real news talking about real life “superheroes.” Whether it’s the result of some bad mushrooms that have circulated the country or a growing trend in attitudes about law enforcement, the result is the same: Being a superhero is apparently a viable option now. See? School counselors don’t know sh-t.
Welcome to the future, boys and girls. Where “The National Inquirer” almost won a Pulitzer and you can be a superhero. Ticked off at the maggot-eaten corpse that the world has become? Need to avenge the death of a loved one? Or just looking to add a little color to your suicide? No matter the motivation, you need to be prepared. Engage crash course!
One leg lifted! I bet he's gonna punch.
1. LEARN HOW TO HURT PEOPLE
If you aren’t confident in your ability to inflict physical harm, you’ll never even get out of the gate. Call upon memories of fighting with a brother or sister: remember the visceral, heart-pounding release of unfettered violence. No sibling rivalry in your past? Get caught up to speed with the fight sciences. Krav Maga, the fighting style trained to Israeli Defense Forces, is the hottest thing in martial arts since the Crane Kick destroyed Johnny Lawrence’s bright future as a high school gym teacher. Chances are there’s someone teaching this once-cryptic art in a strip mall near you. But don’t stop there, grasshopper. Learn as much Brazilian Jujitsu and Russian Sambo as you can. The object is not so much to win the fight, but win the fight and hurt someone at the same time, neutralizing them and teaching valuable lessons re: punks and what happens to them.

2. PICK UP SOME PARKOUR
Who could guess the French would have anything to do with superhero training? This seriously awesome art, also referred to as freerunning, teaches one how to navigate the angles and drops of the modern city at high speed while maintaining even the douchiest looks. This practice has become so in-vogue, you might actually be near a gym that teaches American Parkour. Just don’t be a dick about it, okay? Your mom knows what Parkour is, it isn’t that awesome.

3. GEAR UP
No joke, it’s a battlefield out there. Telling drug dealers to leave whatever corner they’re standing at — which is what real superheroes do — can introduce all kinds of hurt into your world. If guns weren’t enough — and they are — criminals still carry all manner of knives, batons, shivs, bricks, mini-bats, rocks or, what the hell, AIDS-infected syringes. Fortunately, there are all kinds semi-legal paraphernalia available for today’s vigilante. Start with a kevlar vest and build outward. Remember to protect your hands: learn how to wrap and tape your hands, and wear gloves.

Assuming you don’t want to kill anyone, check out any martial arts supplier for a variety of practical options from batons to belt-buckle blades. How bout a face-melting taser for your utility belt? You’d be surprised what’s legal in this steaming dump of a world Frank Miller tried to warn us about. I mean, depending on where you live, you could even wear a gun as you stalked the streets at night. As ComicsAlliance is officially part of the Liberal Media, we cannot endorse such a practice. But if one lives in a state where psychotic carry laws passed, what’s to stop them? Hey, it might be the one thing Second America got right. DO NOT ATTEMPT if you are of African, Arab, Indian, American Indian, Southeast Asian, or vaguely Hispanic descent. I mean, let’s be realistic.

4. GET A SUPERPOWER
Look, Science knows a lot of stuff, but Science don’t know everything, okay? Like what would happen if you really did have Pop Rocks with cola? While standing in a puddle of nuclear waste? Try to involve more lightning in your life. Literally – stand on top of a power transformer and wave your lightsaber replica at approaching storms. Break into the Large Hadron Collider at night. Just because something has never worked before doesn’t mean it never will work. Explore local mountains and caves – you never know when you’re going to find that animal deity or spirit totem or wise old man that’s going to change your life. Quit looking for your soul mate and accept your destiny as a dangerous loner doomed to live out life exacting revenge for something but basically just confronting criminals and sometimes getting in fights and/or killed. Remember, it’s 2010. It’s officially the future, and Andy Warhol got it half-right. In the future, everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes. Because they’re a superhero.

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