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Facebook Founder’s New Year’s Resolution is to Make JARVIS, I Just Want to Lose Some Weight

Paramount
Paramount

 

Remember when Tom would just be your friend on MySpace? He’d just sit there in that little box, letting you know you had a friend out there on the internet. He didn’t make a big deal out of his life story. He didn’t buy out big virtual reality firms in the hopes of commercializing the technology. Tom was always just there for you when you needed a reminder that someone out there in the big, wide world wanted you to be able to connect to friends you may never have met, or to stay in touch with buddies from high school when they traveled far away.

Nowadays you got this Zuckerberg fella making all kinds of claims on his newfangled social media empire, the Facebook. This guy sees one movie about himself, and he thinks he can just do whatever he wants. Donate millions to charity, buy into Oculus VR because he’s got the money to do so, give your racist uncle a place to vomit up all his garbage ideas, and now, now he wants to go ahead and make an AI for his house based on the concept of the Marvel Cinematic Universe’s JARVIS.

Well you know what, Mark? You can just take that idea, and please make it marketable and affordable to me and the billions of people around the world who desperately want to be stuck inside Minority Report‘s ad-serviced future.

Mark Zuckerberg made the announcement on his Facebook (because of course he did) as a New Year’s resolution of sorts, claiming his challenge for the year was “to build a simple AI to run my home and help me with my work. You can think of it kind of like Jarvis in Iron Man.” When you’ve got the backing of the entire Facebook research and development team at your beck and call, I guess it’s not to hard to dream big. Most people would be content to shed five or six pounds or avoid Burger King (good luck, me). This smartypants wants to take things up a notch and craft a self-sufficient intelligence that will watch over his hearth and home all because Tony Stark had one. Would that we could all be Tony Stark, Mark.

The founding father of Facebook is hoping to craft a system capable of recognizing his voice to do things like adjust temperatures or turn lights on, spot friends as they approach the door so he knows who’s visiting, and monitor his baby when he’s too busy finding a new way to commercialize the news feed.

I’m not foolhardy enough to believe that the applications for this system would only be pragmatic. No, there’d be more to it were this thing to ever see the light of day for common folk. I’ve been on Facebook. I’ve seen how that thing leeches information from you to deliver “better” ad experiences. I can see it now. Every time you want to turn the lights on or off, AI prompts you with a guided ad experience based on the music you were just listening to, or the book you were just reading. You think this thing doesn’t know what you’re doing with the lights out? Private Eye is real and it is happening right now, my friends.

Maybe not right right now, but like, soon. Probably. In like five years. Unless they release the beta version, which will probably go all Pierce Brosnan on that one “Treehouse of Horror” episode of The Simpsons. I can’t wait for our new Skynet overlords, brought to you by Anne Hathway’s bikini shots now trending, and have you seen this new Minion meme, but also there’s this cute dog that sounds like it’s saying “murder” every time it barks and how about the American Express Black Card with a new annual rate that will let you purchase those Adidas you saw your cousin wearing in that picture you liked seven seconds ago, and now your toast is finished in the other room, support our troops.

 

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