The Marvel Comics Williams-Sonoma Product Placement Fan-Fiction We Want To See
This week, those purveyors of pricey housewares at Williams-Sonoma company announced that they’re teaming up with Marvel Comics for a new line of kitchen equipment featuring Marvel’s mightiest super-heroes. They’ve kicked things off with a line of cookie cutters (seen above) that allow you to create cookies that look like comics — assuming you’re really good at drawing with icing, of course — and they’ve even produced a digital comic where the Avengers beat the Frightful Four with the power of baking. But as is so often the case, our question is “Why stop there?“
Really, if you want to get Marvel fans into the world of $400 blenders, you’ve got to give them something more than just slapping Wolverine’s face on a “Cakelet” pan. And since we all know from Achewood (slightly NSFW) that their product descriptions could use a little spicing up. So with that in mind, I’ve taken it upon myself to provide a few samples on How Williams-Sonoma can incorporate Marvel characters into their catalog, through the modern miracle of fan-fiction!
The Williams-Sonoma Oven Mitt, starring Gambit and Rogue
“Dang it, Remy!” shouted Rogue as she pulled away from Gambit’s embrace. “Yuh know Ah cain’t touch yuh without drainin’ away your life force!”
“Mebbe, cher,” replied the Cajun X-Man, “but mebbe Gambit can touch you.”
“Don’t be ridiculous! Yuh know mah powers’ll hurt yuh just like they did Cody without–“
“Wit’out usin’ one of dese?” said Gambit, holding up a pair of Williams-Sonoma oven mitts. “I admit, dey may not be ideal for our bon temps, but if dey can protec’ dese t’ievin’ hands from the heat when I cook up some gumbo in my Calphalon Non-Stick Stock Pot (see page 58), den I bet dey can protec’ me from dat power drainin’ touch of yours.”
Rogue felt a single tear spilling from her green eyes. “An’ yuh even got ’em in mah favorite color!”
“Dey come in five diff’rent colors, ma petit chou. An’ at $9.95 each, dey less dan $20 for de pair, and dey even machine washable. Now what do you say, li’l river rat?”
“C’mon, Mysterio!” shouted Spider-Man as he swung onto the stage of the abandoned theater. “Sabotaging the special effects of a Broadway musical in order to make me look bad? You might as well have signed the Playbill!”
Mysterio turned, surrounded by a cloud of swirling mist. “We’ll see about that, wall-crawler — I might have a few surprises for you after all!”
Spider-Man leapt forward, drawing back his fist for a punch that packed the proportionate strength of a spider. “Yeah right! We’ve had a enough rehearsals for me to know that this is the part where I crack that fishbowl head of yours — OUCH!”
Spider-Man fell to the floor, clutching his injured hand as a loud “BLANG!” echoed through the empty theater, along with Mysterio’s laugh. “It seems you hadn’t noticed that I’ve replaced that ‘fishbowl’ with a Mauviel Copper Beating Bowl from the Williams-Sonoma catalog!” said the villain triumphantly. “The burnished copper finish is made to withstand years of kitchen use, from beating eggs to mixing batter, and it’s more than a match for your fists!”
“Aw jeez,” said Spider-Man as he warily circled his foe. “And me without my affordable and stylish Rösle Can Opener!”
Le Creuset Deluxe Round Trivet, with Dr. Strange
Baron Mordo smirked as the Crimson Bands of Cyttorak shattered against his mystic defenses. “Once again, Strange, your alleged mastery of the mystic arts has proven inferior to mine! And now…” he paused as he lifted an intricate piece of metalwork, lording his triumph over his foe, “the Seal of the Seraphim is mine! A shame I had to interrupt your manservant’s potion brewing! No doubt a concentrated dose of the power within this artifact would have helped you last a few seconds longer!”
Dr. Strange, the Sorceror Supreme, allowed a small smile to spread beneath his roguish, manly moustache. “As ever, your defeat comes from your own lack of vision, Mordo! Had you bothered to use your Astral Sight, you’d know that the trivet in your hands holds no mystic power!”
Mordo’s face fell. “But.. But the intricate French craftsmanship! The durable enamel coating worthy of the Vishanti themselves!”
“Impressive as they are, they are simply the marks of the Williams-Sonoma Le Creuset collection — Wong wasn’t brewing a potion, he was merely preparing dinner!”
Mordo’s howl of rage was suddenly cut off as Dr. Strange unleashed a bolt of energy from within the Eye of Agamotto, sealing his mystic enemy beyond the barrier of the Dark Dimension. But was it just a lingering effect of the duel, or did the rose window pattern of the Le Creuset trivet glitter with an inner power of its own?
“Guys. It’s a dutch oven that holds thirteen quarts. Soon as I can convince X-Force to make a Taco Bell run, we’re gonna see how effective this bad boy is.”
The Absorbing Man raised his wrecking ball, his entire body transmuted into the unbreakable Uru metal of Asgard. “Looks like ol’ Crusher Creel’s gonna live up to his na–“
Creel was cut off in mid-sentence by the sound of his own Uru arm dropping onto fifth avenue, courtesy of Wolverine. “Unless yer plannin’ on changin’ yer name to ‘Got Stomped On By The Avengers,’ I don’t think that’s gonna happen, bub,” said the Canadian berserker as he stepped between the Absorbing Man and the rest of the Avengers, smirking as the villain looked at his own severed arm.
“But.. how.. Even you shouldn’t have been able to cut through –“
“Yer right,” said Wolverine. “Even my unbreakable Adamantium claws woulda had trouble cuttin’ through the metal o’ Thor’s hammer… if I hadn’t run ’em through the Chef’s Choice 1520 Electric Knife Sharpener! The three diamond-abbraisive slots keep ’em as sharp as a set o’ exclusive Shun Fuji Japanese cookin’ knives, and a polishin’ disk keeps ’em lookin’ nice…”
Another snikt rang out as Wolverine advanced on the Absorbing Man like a predator.
“…even when I’m carvin’ up scrubs like you!”
Snow crunched under Loki’s boots, turning the lush fields of Asgard into ice as he advanced, an army of Frost Giants at his back. “Asgard will fall to us, brothers,” said the God of Evil, “for now, her defenders have been stripped of their power!”
“I say thee nay!” shouted Thor as he landed mere yards ahead of Loki, the impact kicking up a cloud of dust. “You may have separated the me from Mjolnir, but the Odison is far from powerless! Look you Loki upon your doom: A feat of Midgardian engineering from the craftsmen of Williams-Sonoma!”
Loki recoiled in fear as the sun caught the triple-plated chrome finish of the Reversible Meat Tenderizer as Thor hefted it menacingly. “B-brother… Surely you wouldn’t sully our battle with a human weapon…”
“Enough lies!” shouted the God of Thunder, drawing back the Tenderizer, feeling the reassuring weight of its pure zinc core. “Though ’tis crafted by human hands, ’tis as fine an instrument for smiting as any to emerge from the forges of Svartalfheim! And at a mere 28 dollars, ’twas a trifle to equip all of the forces of fair Asgard with them! Now stand and fight, for ’tis thy own Frost Giant flesh that will be rent by the chrome spikes of the Tenderizer!”
“No, that’s seriously what they call it! The Wood Lemon Reamer! And it gets even better, check out the description: 6 1/4″ Long. Hardwood. Ridged tip extracts juices. This is the best catalog ever.”