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Michigan Police Apprehend ‘Batman,’ Gain Record-High Approval From Supervillains

Since the formation of Batman Incorporated, Bruce Wayne has recruited operatives in France, England, Africa and Japan, but apparently there’s at least one place where the new hires just aren’t working out: Petoskey, Michigan, where an ersatz Dark Knight was arrested by police who found him hanging from a ledge.According to a police report posted by The Smoking Gun, the Batman of Coastal Michigan was pulled back onto a rooftop this morning after an ill fated attempt at swinging over the city — foiled, no doubt, by Petoskey’s lack of gargoyles. The 31-year-old was then charged with trespassing and possession of dangerous weapons after it was discovered that his crime-fighting equipment included pepper spray, a collapsible baton, and lead-lined gloves.

And to make matters worse, police unmasked the would-be vigilante and took pictures, which as we all know destroys his effectiveness as a crime-fighter. It has also been revealed that dangling from rooftops is pretty sweaty work.

As of this writing, there has been no official word from the Petoskey Department of Public Safety as to whether or not they’ll be removing the signal from the roof of police headquarters — or, in fact, whether there was a signal there to begin with. It’s also worth noting that the fact that he wasn’t charged with resisting arrest seems to give the impression that the Batman of Petoskey went along quietly and cooperated with the police after they rescued him from dangling off the edge of a building.

But while that’s the official line, this exclusive eyewitness footage of the arrest tells a different story:

In addition, ComicsAlliance has also managed to secure footage of the time Petoskey’s Dark Knight spent in jail, dealing with the very same criminals that he definitely did not help to put there:

What can I say? The dude’s a lot tougher than he looks in the mug shots. Regardless, one thing is clear: Coastal Michigan is now completely unprotected from any super-villain attacks.

I’d suggest doubling up on guards at both the Second National Bank and any jewelry stores in the city specializing in Cat’s Eye Opals, as well as sending regular patrols past any abandoned amusement parks, just to be safe. Hopefully Batman Inc. will be able to provide a replacement soon, but until then, it looks like it’s all up to the Great Lakes State’s other defender, RoboCop.

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