Original Spin 3: Secret Source! [Marvel Original Sin Recap]
Behind the scenes, under the covers, and deep, deep in the gutters, ComicsAlliance continues Original Spin, its exclusive exposé of the new Marvel crossover event book Original Sin, by Jason Aaron and Mike Deodato.
In this week’s embedded reporting: superheroes’ scandalous secrets come tumbling out (in other books that aren’t the one we’re covering); a living planet gets a makeover; and Nick Fury goes head-to-head with the Winter Soldier! Find out more in our spoiler-enriched recap!
SECRETS OUT: CROSSOVER BEGINS WITH CAPITAL EYE
Supervillain The Orb [fact check: super?] triggered an actual crossover in the streets of Manhattan this morning when he set off a bomb that revealed hidden secrets to some of the Marvel Universe’s premier heroes. Among those caught in the blast were Hulk, Thor, Luke Cage and Spider-Man.
The heroes immediately fled the Original Sin book to return to their own titles — or specially hand-crafted spin-off titles — to have event-driven stories that probably won’t be touched on again here. Also caught in the blast were Angry Woman In Interracial Relationship, Sad Girl Who Has Either Mommy Issues Or Secret Lesbian Yearnings, and Guy Who Is Not Matt Murdock.
Their stories will be further explored in a series of newly announced spinoff titles. Original Sin: Daddy will reveal the shocking adventures of a man who slept with his children’s babysitter when he was exposed to an irradiated cliché. Original Sin: Lady Pain will take the Bechdel-test approved story of a woman suddenly realizing that she was loved by another woman and make it comprehensible to readers by filtering it through the experiences of some guy. And Original Sin: Hell’s Kitchenette is a noir tale about Daredevil impersonator Nat Burdock as he tracks down his mother’s killer, the sexy femme fatale Extra Nachos.
THE ONE SUPERFOOD MONSTERS SHOULD NOT EAT: GAMMA-IRRADIATED BULLETS
Scientists conducting studies below the surface of the Earth and in extra-dimensional whatsits have released a report today indicating that gamma-irradiated bullets may be linked to the failing health of a number of horrifying monsters.
In a conference call, doctors T’Challa Panther and Stephen Strange released data going back decades that shows “bullets” may have had adverse dietary effects on subterrannean and extraterranean beasts, causing them to lose appetite through a process known as “death”.
The news comes as a blow to the claims made by one Dr. Bruce Banner, who has argued for years that gamma irradiation can help improve overall health and well-being, even leading to accelerated healing and muscle growth. Banner’s study involved the application of gamma in the form of “bombs”, but many experts were hoping to see positive results from the homeopathic use of these diluted “bullets”. The bullets may have contributed to the recent death of celebrity pervert Uatu Watcher.
Our medical panel advises any monsters currently taking gamma-irradiated bullets to switch over to supplements derived from salsify root and bee pollen.
SIN STUNNER GAMORA IS AS DANGEROUS AS SHE IS BOOTY-FUL
Slinky space vixen Gamora Thanosdottir really put the ass in assassassin (too much – ed) during her explosive Original Spin photoshoot. We wanted to fly Gamora out to an exotic location to capture her best side, but Ego the Living Planet was unavailable, so we visited his lesser-known cousin in the Living Planet family, Personhood. The young planet was open-mouthed and speechless in his admiration for the deadly dame’s superior posterior!
Correction: It turns out this living planet wasn’t actually living. Also, the photoshoot was explosive because of an explosion.
SPY VERSUS SPY: IS WINTER SOLDIER REALLY A FALL GUY?
Bucky Barnes, pouty emo sidekick turned frontkick, took drastic action this week when he teleported into the offices of SHIELD head honcho Nick Fury and cut off his head with a machete.
Reasons for the brutal act are unclear at this point, but experts say he may have been expressing his disappointment at the TV show Agents of SHIELD, which Barnes had struggled to make more watchable by tying it in to his awesome movie. It’s also been speculated that Marvel decided to get rid of White Fury and focus on Black Fury because the whole multimedia synergy thing is much easier that way.
Rumors that the murdered Fury was actually an advanced synthetic clone, called a Life Model Decoy in spy circles, are unconfirmed at this point, but can always be confirmed at a much, much later date as retcons demand.
Reached for comment on the murder, Bucky told reporters that there would probably be a twist that reveals he is not a villain. Bucky also stated, “No-one stays dead in comics except Uncle Ben, Jason Todd, and me.”
The voices of millions of dead superhero girlfriends cried out in protest and were suddenly ignored.