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Original Spin 6: Black Captain America! (Does Not Appear In This Comic) [Marvel Original Sin Recap]

Welcome back to Original Spin, the unofficial recap of the Marvel comic event Original Sin, by Jason Aaron and Mike Deodato — which probably feeds in to the Marvel comic event AXIS, and somewhere in all that we’ll get a lady Thor and a black Cap, and that will be very exciting. Black Captain America!

In the meantime it’s still dude Thor and white and surprisingly Irish Captain America, and you have to read all these other comics that aren’t the ones they’re talking about in USA Today. Ugh, comics are dumb. So, to catch you up; the Watcher got shot and someone did it, and black Captain America isn’t in this comic but we’re desperate for attention.

 

IRON MAN IMPERSONATOR REALLY GETTING INTO THINGS

He loves only gold. Only gold.

 

Doctor Midas, nefarious c-list villain and a-list vaudeville entertainer, confirmed last week that he abandoned his popular Iron Man routine so he can start up a Thing tribute act.

“I felt like the Iron Man thing was played out,” said Midas. “Ever since the movies, Tony Stark’s whole shtick has become derivative. Do you realize he’s not even in most of those armors? Apparently he’s going to do a relaunch and he can’t even find some minority shmoe to take his place, so he has to do the relaunch himself. Yikes, right?

“It was time to shake things up, and I feel like the Fantastic Four is the way to go. They have a movie in the works, and I just feel like this is really where Marvel’s head is at right now. You’re going to see a lot of exciting stuff for the FF. They’re the priority right now.”

You can see Doctor Midas in his new one man show “Some Thing” at the Brooklyn Chocolate Box Repertory Theatre all next week, but if you’re quick you might be able to catch him right now, fleeing the earth in a beautifully rendered spaceship.

 

He loves gooooooooold.

 

REVEALED: UATU WAS JOAN CRAWFORD TO NICK FURY’S BETTE DAVIS

The latest shock revelations from Nick Fury’s tell-all autobiography ‘Life: A Model Decoy’ have lifted the lid on his long-simmering feud with the late moon-man Uatu the Watcher — a story Fury swore he wouldn’t tell until one or other of them were dead. Following Watcher’s shocking death at the hands of an unknown assailant, the dirty laundry is finally being aired.

In one biting excerpt, Fury reveals how Watcher once visited him at his home just to scare him into thinking he was dying. Watcher later told friends that it was typical of Fury’s prima donna tendencies that he’d think his death was worth showing up for. Fury spat back to onlookers at the Groucho Club that Uatu would show up at the death of an envelope.

 

Watchmen.

 

The famous feud reportedly arose out of philosophical differences between the two Silver Age-era event-happy warhorses, with Uatu taking the position that it was important to watch events and not interfere, and Fury arguing that it was better to shoot the heads off things. However, some people close to the incident say that the feud was actually over a boy.

 

NICK’S KNACK, BADDIE WHACKS; GIVE THIS JOB A HOME

Nick Fury is now auditioning hopefuls to take over in his important role of “maniac with a gun who blows the heads off things”. Fury stayed young since the days of World War II, but he now needs to hand-pick a successor because he’s rapidly aging thanks to a chronic condition called “did no-one check to see if Captain America was maybe doing the exact same storyline at the exact same time?”

 

(Ant-Man is still in this comic.)

 

Sexy bachelor Nick is now ready to find “the one”. Contenders include:

  • “Free-spirited” Stephen, a surgeon-turned-sorceror from rural Nebraska
  • “Sexily sexy” Emma, a teacher and independent businesswoman from Boston, Mass.
  • “Strong-but-silent” Frank, a vermin control specialist from Queens, New York
  • “Pussycat” T’Challa, an “urban” community leader from Wichita (?), Kansas
  • “Little” Scott, a researcher and former single father from Coral Gables, Florida
  • “Femme fatale” Gamora, a security specialist from Zen-Whoberi, Idaho
  • “Loony” Marc, a freelance investigator from Chicago, Illinois
  • “Pouty” Jimmy, a jet-setting executive troubleshooter from Shelbyville, Indiana

Media experts say that Frank may have the necessary experience to shoot a lot of people in the head, but the smart money is on Jimmy, because his new solo title has already been announced. T’Challa is likely the first for elimination, after revealing an idiosyncratic inclination for kicking Nick Fury’s robot clones in the head repeatedly.

 

SIN STUNNER ANGELA WEARS SKIMPY COSTUME FOR ASGARD

Get the look: Burn your pants

 

Angela Odinsdottir is a heavenly beauty who knows her way around a realm or ten! Angela may be new in town, but the sword-swinging vixen is no ingĂ©nue — she lists “slaughtering the demon hordes of Satan while dressed in just my underwear” as one of her chief interests. Her brothers are gods of tricks and thunder, but we bet Angie knows a trick or two of her own — and she’s not afraid to make some noise!

The sexy former bounty hunter admits that she used to have serious Image issues, but now she’s at Marvel she feels a new woman, unhindered by the baggage of her old continuity. Asked if she thought her presence in the Marvel Universe might spawn a spin-off book or two, Angela said, “What is this word, ‘spawn’? I have no frame of reference for this word.”

For our exclusive photoshoot, Angela wore just a belt and a big tiara. “I always feel naked without my big tiara,” Angela told our reporter.

 

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE AS EVENT COMIC SPEEDS TOWARDS FINAL TWO ISSUES

Take one last look at your old white male superheroes, fellas!

 

With reports coming in that Original Sin is almost over, Captain America, Iron Man, Thor, and et cetera suddenly put two and two together and realised that Nick Fury was maybe behind this whole storyline from the start and they needed to get into space pronto for a big fight or something. Does this mean that Fury killed the Watcher? I don’t know; it’s entirely possible we’re supposed to have given up asking about that by this point.

Aspiring new readers who had come direct from high profile media stories reported feelings of confusion, disorientation, and disappointment when they opened a comic and found out that Thor and Cap are still “some white guys for some reason”. One onlooker demanded to know, “If everyone around here looks like Ryan Reynolds, why can’t that guy land one decent superhero gig?”

Informed that the comic industry promotes comics three months in advance even in an age of instant digital download because it’s tied to an arcane pre-order system, these prospective readers stared in slack-jawed astonishment for a full minute before returning to Netflix for stress-free unlimited streaming entertainment for the low cost of two monthly comics.

Comic supporters stepped in to argue that it’s not fair to compare comics to other forms of entertainment like Netflix or cable. At which point Nick Fury showed up dressed as Cable.

 

Get the look: Infinity formula; Badoon technology

 

To be pre-concluded.

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