Original Spin 8: Mindless Violence [Marvel’s ‘Original Sin’ Recap]

It's over. Original Sin, by Jason Aaron, Mike Deodato, and Frank Martin, is finished. Everyone go home and hug your children.

But not before one last pulse-pounding Original Spin recap -- the only comic event recap that digs through the trash and uses the really long lens to find out what's really going on in the comics.

Previously: The Watcher died; a truth bomb detonated; Nick Fury picked out random entries from the Official Handbook to investigate; they investigated; they found out Nick Fury killed a lot of E.T. dudes. Now: Everyone is on the moon, which sounds like a party, but it's seriously lacking in atmosphere. (Um, actually, it's well-established that the Blue Area of the Moon has its own atmosphere in Marvel comics continuity, thankyou.) This report exclusive to ComicsAlliance. Spoilers follow.

REPORT: WATCHER DEAD AGAIN STILL

Uatu Watcher, tragically murdered in his own home in issue #1 of this event, was tragically murdered in his own home again this issue by a violent flashback. Footage from the scene confirmed what readers had probably already figured out; after trading an eyeball for an entry wound courtesy of minor villain the Orb last issue, Watcher traded his other eyeball for the same again, courtesy of Nick Fury, in this issue.

Fury claimed self-defence, because Watcher threatened him with purple sparkles. Possibly he was planning to ice a cupcake, and everyone knows that Nick is very gluten intolerant. (Glutens are another type of alien. Nick Fury is super-racist against aliens.)

Now we know who killed the Watcher. It was everyone. All of the suspects either killed him or were accessories to his murder. Yes, it's Murder On The Orient Express On The Moon. Only, in this version, Poirot dunnit as well. (Sorry if I just spoiled the ending of an eighty-year-old novel for you.)

DR. MIDAS GONE FOR GOLD: DAUGHTER OUBLIETTE INHERITS EMPIRE

Celebrated business leader, innovator, and humanitarian Doctor Hortense (factcheck??) Midas passed away last week when he was assassinated on the moon by Nick Fury, serial moon murderer. In a touching tribute, friends of the late doctor noted that he always believed in his soul that he had the power to know he's indestructible. "He always believed in it," said Hex the Living Corporation, "He was gold."

Fury, who usually kills aliens with a gun, adapted his tactics for a fellow human being, choosing to end Eustache (factcheck??) Midas's life by pressing a giant eyeball against his chest. The National Rifle Association has already issued a press release stressing that most people have more eyeballs than guns, so what's the real danger here, buddy? Huh? Huh?

Midas's daughter and sole heir, business executrix Oubliette Midas, has pledged to keep the business alive by using her father's lopped-off hand to turn snakes into gold. The Marvel Universe's leading financial services agency has rated her business plan "near mint."

FURY DEAD! UATU'S UIDOW SHEDS A TEAR

Soldier, serial killer, and outspoken immigration opponent Nick Fury has reportedly died in a violent confrontation on the moon. After confessing to beloved industrialist Norbert (factcheck??) Midas that the Watcher wouldn't have killed him...

... Fury triggered a devastating explosion that carved out a new crater on the moon and sent property prices spiraling.

At the time of Fury's death, Ulana the Watchress was seen shedding a single tear.

Though she tried to cover her grief by verbalizing a mournful farewell to her late husband, some industry Watchers wonder if Ulana was the real object of contention between Fury and Watcher. The paternity of Ulana's baby is now in question, with experts observing that the baby could easily have got its huge head from either man.

SIN STUNNER NATASHA'S A BARELY VISIBLE VIXEN IN EPIC EVENT

Natasha Romanov, Marvel's most high profile sexy lady hero, bared nothing at all in this one page that she appears in during the entirety of Original Sin #8.

Our photographer reports that he had planned to do a running joke in which he would talk about tabloid-style objectification in every Original Sin recap, and this was almost undermined when he was reminded of the other thing that superhero comics do to women besides use them as eye candy, namely forget to put them in the stories at all.

"It turns out Gamora, Emma Frost and Oubliette were the only significant female roles in the whole story," said our correspondent. "But don't worry, we got to see all of their asses."

The sprawling central cast also included equal numbers of black people and talking raccoons. How's that for a Sin stunner?

BUCK UP, IT'S A BARNES-RAISER! FORMER SIDEKICK TURNS SPACE-SSASSIN

Bucky Barnes, Tumblr's favorite panda-eyed smoldering ex-boyfriend of Captain America, received an unexpected (unless you read solicits or promotional interviews) boost this week, when he was elevated to Nick Fury's former position of "weird lone maniac who blows the heads off aliens." Whether the new job will involve heavy mascara or wobbly lip-trembles directed at Steve Rogers is unclear.

In previous roles Bucky has been both Captain America and dead. With Falcon now taking over as the new Captain America, there was widespread hope that the two former Captains would take the opportunity to spend some time together, rebuild, maybe go visit a cabin upstate and really reconnect.

But Steve Rogers is old and gross now, so Bucky's going to take out his frustrations on invading Glutens.

FURY LIVES! THE WATCHEE BECOMES THE WATCHERRRR

In a shocking twist, Watcher-killer-soldier-spy Nick Fury was seen clanking about on the moon Jacob Marley-style recently, with his couture new look of a big hood and a bunch of chains.

Fury was observed watching over his former home planet Earth from the Watcher's own moon base. Though Fury appears to be in good health, medical experts say this much irony would be a lethal dose for most men.

SPIN: OUT

This brings us to the end of Original Spin. The paper's been cancelled, the journalists have been pulped, and our header graphic designer Dylan Todd has been sold to China to appease our shareholders. Listen very carefully and you'll hear the strains of Strangecastle's greatest hits playing us out. Thank you for Watching.