Pachimon Playing Cards: The 10 Most Awesome Bootleg Monsters You’ll See Today
Once again, the fine folks over at Pink Tentacle have blown our minds with an insanely awesome piece of Japanese pop culture: a set of Pachimon Playing Cards.
Released in the early ’70s by the QP Corporation as promotional material for mayonnaise — a secret origin that only makes them even crazier — the set features 53 truly ridiculous knockoffs of the only-slightly-less-riduclous original monsters from Japanese pop culture. Unfortunately, while the target audience would probably be able to match them up with the creatures they were supposed to represent, my lack of kaiju knowledge means that I’m once again forced to make up my own stories for them. Check out ten of my favorites after the jump!1 of Clubs: Kyuradorosu the Vampire Monster
Here is a list of things we know about Kyuradorosu: 1. He is a vampire who is also a monster. 2. He apparently likes to hula dance. 3. HIS HEAD IS A FLYING SAUCER. 100% of these things are awesome.
Also, the fact that his head is a flying saucer and a flying saucer is his head makes me think that he is quite possibly the kaiju equivalent of Spinnaface, the up and coming hip hop star whose face is a spinna and a spinna is his face.
6 of Diamonds: Goroboasu the Macro Monster
Goroboasu here is listed as being a “Macro Monster,” which I’m pretty sure mans that he was created to perform complex functions using only a few keystrokes.
Also, he has the helmet and barrell-chested muscles of an old-timey football player, which can only mean that his full name is actually meant to be Go, Roboasu! Give it the ol’ college try!
8 of Spades: Peshura the Space Mouse
“The fools at Tokyo Disney laughed! They said that nuclear biogenetic imagineering was too dangerous to be allowed at the park! That there would never be a creature able to wave hello better than their precious Mickey Well I’ll show them! I’ll show them all! Moohoohahaha!“
Queen of Diamonds: Kimu the Space Monster
Despite being sent to Earth for those exact purposes Kimu was never really all that into destruction and conquering. Instead, he became enamored with MTV’s Jackass and got really into making YouTube videos of his own ill-advised stunts, going viral with his most popular (and painful) stunt “Hackeysack With Darts.”
7 of Diamonds: Vacuuma the Vacuum Monster
I’m embarrassed to admit this, but even knowing its name, it took me forever to figure out that it was sucking a dude into a vacuum hose with its left hand. But in mydefense, I was busy trying to figure out what kind of benefit a monster could gain from wearing a pair of bedroom slippers on its chest.
3 of Hearts: Computron the Mechanical Monster
“I gotta say, Steve, this robot you have designed is fantastic. Super-powerful, programmed with unstoppable fighting skills. We here at EvilCo are realy behind this project. There’s just one thing. We think the name might be… well, it doesn’t really project what we’re trying to get across.”
“What’s wrong with Nipplegunatron?! Believe me, it’ll inspire terror in the populace.”
“Yeah, that’s… that’s not really the kind of terror we were looking for.”
5 of Diamonds: Peroggaa the Adhesive Monster
Per Wikipedia, Lickitung is known as the Licking Pokémon, and possesses is a long prehensile tongue, which it uses to manipulate objects and possibly to consume them. It is rare in Kanto, but more commonly found in the Sinnoh region, and was once used by Jessie of Team Rocket.
Queen of Clubs: Oapiaa
There’s no listed gimmick for this one, but fortunately my knowledge of the Japanese language has allowed me to translate “Oapiaa” as “Ska Mummy,” thus explaining why he’s totally skanking it up like a pharaonic rude boy! Watch out for his special attack, the pickitup pickitup pickitup!
10 of Spades: H the Hydrogen Monster
Unlike the other monsters, which intimidate through sheer size and power, H — which appears to be a walking crotch with bat-wing ears and a lady mouth — is frightening for entirely different reasons.
8 of Clubs: Meji the Space Wolf
Finally, we have Meji, and holy crap. Straight up, that is a giant werewolf who karate punches buildings. I don’t even have to make anything up here; that’s the greatest thing I’ve ever seen.
And those are just the tip of the iceberg. Check out Pink Tentacle for the full set of cards!