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Phoenix Jones Battles Pepper Spraying Allegations After Seattle May Day Protests

Like some kind of real world version of Watchmen‘s deconstruction and debasement of the super heroic ideal, yesterday’s May Day protests showed the potentially ugly side of real life “citizen superheroes,” with their reaction to the Seattle protests proving to be what some might consider a little heavy-handed.

According to sources, famed real-life superhero Phoenix Jones was pepper-spraying protesters as he defended the city’s Federal Courthouse when protests turned violent yesterday with one report describing the vigilante as screaming “I’m not against you guys, I’m here to keep the peace and protect this historic building,” as he sprayed protesters.

For his part, Jones denies the allegation, explaining on his Facebook page that, “I did not pepper-spray anyone, my whole video will be up soon…but if any of the anarchists have a problem with being pepper-sprayed you should probably stop attacking and breaking into federal buildings.”Sure enough, he then released video he claimed proved that the pepper spray hadn’t come from him:

That video was then seemingly contradicted by another video shot by one of the protesters themselves:

Yes, “he said/she said” now comes in special camera phone editions. The discrepancy was explained away in typically all-caps fashion by Jones, saying “I CAN SEE WHY YOU ARE CONFUSED THAT SPRAY CAME FROM MIDNIGHT JACK CLEAR FOOTAGE IS SHOT FROM MY CHEST CAM.” So it wasn’t Jones, it was just… another superhero. So… that makes everything much better, then…? Maybe?

(Here’s a hint for the future, Seattle superhero wannabes: The best superheroes rarely pepper spray bad guys, never mind protestors or rioters who’re causing trouble. Perhaps you guys should have “What Would Superman Do (If He Couldn’t Fly Or Shoot Laser Beams From His Eyes And Stuff Because Let’s Face It Superman’s Biggest Power Is His Moral Upstandingness)” bracelets or something?)

Aside from pointing out, again, the ridiculousness of costumed vigilantes in real life situations that aren’t rescuing cats from trees, this just makes me wish that one of the Before Watchmen books was about bloggers trying to piece together the truth about Rorschach, Nite Owl and the rest from their social media posts. “What does he mean by ‘#hrm’?!?”

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