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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Robs Wendy’s, Local Pizzerias On High Alert

In this week’s installment of news designed specifically to make your ten year-old self cry, io9 reports that a gun-toting Ninja Turtle robbed a Wendy’s restaurant in Wisconsin. Of course, the official police report describes the robber as a man in a Ninja Turtle mask, but I think it’s clear that after 25 years of glorifying the ninja lifestyle, the Turtles have finally given in to the darker side of shinobi.

That’s right, everyone: It’s a mutant ninja crime wave.As you might expect from an ongoing investigation into juvenile animal martial arts crime, the police have yet to release many of the details surrounding the robbery. That said, as someone who once wore out a TMNT VHS tape that he got from Pizza Hut by playing it over and over until everyone else in the house was sick of it, I’ve developed a theory on how it went down.

The report describes the prime suspect as having two accomplices in the robbery. This complicates matters, because our immediate suspect for being seduced to the cool but rude life of crime would be Raphael, but having henchmen would require leadership skills more befitting Leonardo.

Also, the article does not identify the accomplices as ninja turtles. It’s possible that they were other turtles wearing trenchcoats and fedoras — which as we all know is an impenetrable disguise that renders even the most misshapen amphibian indistinguishable from an ordinary person — but what if their network of crime has grown to include April O’Neil and Casey Jones? Also, while it’s not mentioned, it’s safe to assume that Corey Feldman and Ernie Reyes Jr. are under investigation as we speak.

After the robbery, the suspects escaped, presumably by the sewers. Really, that’s the only option — there’s no police officer in the world who wouldn’t be able to track down a bright yellow, green and orange van as it fled the scene of a crime. And a zeppelin is just far too conspicuous.

As for a motive, it might seem odd that the Turtle Gang hit a burger joint rather than a pizzeria, but consider that they made off with cash, not food. This could all be part of an elaborate scheme to drive rival businesses out in order to make room for more pizza.

Hopefully the police will be able to catch these crooks, and if nothing else, maybe this will be the event that wakes our government up and gets them to finally put a ban on mutagenic ooze. Until then, though, only one fact remains:

SHREDDER WAS RIGHT.

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