What If… Rob Liefeld Wrote the ‘Deadpool’ Script?
As you probably know, Deadpool, the absurdist Marvel Comics mercenary with a face only a mother could love, is currently on his way to the big screen with Ryan Reynolds in the leading role.
Deadpool’s creator, artist Rob Liefeld, has been tweeting excitedly from development meetings about the film, and knowing what we know about Rob Liefeld — a man once internet-famously described as “a pair of blue jeans with a face [that] has on a backwards cap, and when he turns it around, it’s still backwards” — we couldn’t help but imagine what it would look like if Captain No-Feet himself tried his hand at the script. Behold:
Night! A beat-up old delivery truck drives down the road to this really shady old warehouse with big pipes coming out of it and a water tower on the roof and broken windows and dead cats and stuff. The truck backs up to a dock door and the back opens up and a whole bunch of hired guns jump out. These are real hardasses, big and muscled with guns and knives, tribal tattoos, scars, goatees, shaped sideburns, Van Halen t-shirts, and sunglasses in the middle of the night. They get out and start unloading the mysterious crates in the truck.
What are we hauling here?
HIRED GUN 2
HIRED GUN 1
Yeah, bro, whatever!
HIRED GUN 2
I shouldn’t do this, but I will.
HIRED GUN 2 cracks open a crate, and it’s filled with a bunch of futuristic-looking guns that look like they came from the future. There are some really awesome-looking hair dryers from last year’s Sharper Image catalog that FX should look at for reference. Suddenly a shadow falls across the scene – a sill-o-ette of a mysterious figure up in the rafters and with a big bright light behind him. The bad guys notice the shadow and look up and see DEADPOOL and are like whoa.
What’s up, Doc? Am I late for the party?
HIRED GUN 1
Oh no! Deadpool!
DEADPOOL jumps down and whips out his ninja swords from his back and the camera goes all slow and spiritual and DEADPOOL floats down like a flaming red angel of death and some doves fly. It gets speeded back up to normal, and DEADPOOL goes swoosh with his swords and totally cleaves the first guy like he was nothing. All this hardcore blood shoots out and the guy screams and falls down and just sprays all this blood everywhere.
I got him!
DP goes ninja and swings his swords around like swish, swish shwing swish and chops the gun in half and goes chopchopchopchop and that dude he said he got him is freaking sliced and diced before he can even pull the trigger. All the other guys start shooting and it’s like bang bang bang and a hell of bullets reins down on DEADPOOL like rain. But DEADPOOL spins his swords around so fast it’s like a shield and he just blazes through all those bullets and it goes bullet-time. Then some slow motions of bullets shooting just to get cut up by this blades and then the dove that’s still flying away. And then all the guys run out of bullets and it goes back to normal time and there’s just silence as DEADPOOL is like tsh.
One guy is like wait, there are future guns in the truck.
You guys keep him busy! I’m gonna get a future gun!
“Rock You Like a Hurricane” starts again from the beginning.
What, me worry?
The one guy runs into the truck and DEADPOOL is like I don’t need my swords for this and goes hand-to-hand and totally demollishis them. He goes ninja and karate muay thai and bashes them in the nerve center. And the temples. But then the last guy left is JAPANESE and has numchuks and spins them around showing off his numchuk skills for a minute. And then he stops and is like what, and DEADPOOL’s like big deal.
As far as numchuk exhibitions in film or television go,
I’d give it a six. Slightly better than the Foot Soldier in
“Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles,” but nowhere near as good
as any of Bruce Lee’s work.
And DEADPOOL takes the numchuks and does way better and bashes him alot and chokes the JAPANESE GUY out. DEADPOOL wipes the dirt off his hands and then suddenly the one guy who ran into the truck comes out from the truck.
Break this fourth wall!
He shoots the future gun at DP and a laser comes out. The beam shoots at DP, but he goes all bullet-time and whips out his swords and tries to block it, and his swords make an X because of the X-Men. And the beams bounce off for a minute.
And then the beam is bouncing off for a minute but it starts to cut through the swords because its a laser and they aren’t magic yet. The swords get cut in half and the one guy points the laser and shoots again and it goes all bullet-time and DEADPOOL narrowly dodges the laser beams for a second but one comes really close. And then we close up on that beam as it shoots by and DEADPOOL narrowly dodges it and it just grazes the fabric of his mask. And then the mask just falls apart because it’s ruined and underneath Wade Wilson’s gross face is revealed. It’s all scarred and dripping and narly. And the one guy with the laser is stunned. At his groteske visage.
It looks like someone took a dump on your face.
And then puked on it.
(he’s like, whatever guy)
Hey! I resemble that remark.
And then! Instead of going bullet-time! We go really fast and the guy shoots like a thousand times like pewpewpew really fast and then my techno remix (as DJ Yestherobliefeld) of “Rock You Like a Hurricane” starts. And DEADPOOL just dodges and dodges and it’s ballayic. And then for a second we closeup on the dove that’s still flying away.
Why won’t you die?!
You got a pretty mouth, boy!
And then he jumps at the guy and muay thais the hair dryer away and shoves it into the guy’s mouth.
Let’s make a mouth-baby!
The guy’s like what’s a mouth-baby, but DP pulls the trigger and sploosh, the guy’s head is reduced to jelly. Alot. And then DEADPOOL is just standing over this pile of bodies and all this blood and jelly and sawdust with his gross face out.
Whew! Now that that’s taken care of…
He opens a belt-pouch, the sixth to the left of his belly-button, from this point on referenced as Pouch L-6. There are a total of nineteen pouches, and items will be procured from each pouch several times throughout the movie, and are in fact integral to the story. I’d strongly recommend you see the “Pouch Designation Chart” pdf I emailed you a couple times. DEADPOOL opens the pouch (again, L-6) and pulls out his spare mask, pulling it back over his deformed head. He turns and nods at the camera.
My fly is buttoned!
Remember that commercial I was in? With Spike Lee? Man, that was wicked. Anyway, just then and for no reason, this huge portal opens up and sucks DP through a wormhole onto another world, where an all-powerful alien force has kidnapped all the coolest mutants from the Marvel Universe and is making them fight each other all at once. DEADPOOL has to take on WOLVERINE, CABLE, COLOSSUS, DOMINO, SHATTERSTAR, RAHNE, RICTOR, CANNONBALL, SABRETOOTH, GAMBIT, SHAFT, CHAPEL, RIPTIDE, BEDROCK, BADROCK, SUPREME, and a bunch of new guys I made who are all like Wolverine.
So then they all fight for a long time and at the end DEADPOOL wins.