Just when you thought “Fraggle Rock” was going to be the last childhood property of the ’80s to get a comic book revamp comes the announcement that the original Smurf comics are going to be reprinted in America for the first time in years.
Most American readers are probably more familiar with the cartoon version of the Smurfs, a merchandising juggernaut that saw everything from plastic figurines to theme park rides (anyone who grew up near King’s Island likely has fond memories of their late, lamented Smurf boat ride
), but the comics were a whole different matter. The first story to be reprinted, “The Purple Smurf,” is an allegory about racism, and occasionally, the comics showed the friendly blue forest-dwellers engaging in activities that were downright un-smurfy. Stuff like, you know…
..or public execution of dissidents. Seriously.But as strange as that might seem, there were standards, which is why I’ve taken it upon myself today to unearth Ten Smurfs Who Didn’t Make The Cut!
10. SCHRODINGER SMURF
It’s never too early for kids to start learning about the paradoxes inherent in quantum mechanics (or “Smurfy mechanics, as Brainy Smurf called them), but the idea of a Smurf who existed in a theoretical state of being both alive and eaten by Gargamel (or possibly in branching parallel universes where both outcomes were valid) probably would’ve gone over the average reader’s head. Which, now that I think of it, is a pretty clear example of the observer affecting the experiment’s outcome.You have to admit, though, given Brainy’s intellectual zeal and casual disregard for other Smurfs, this could’ve totally happened.
9. TASTY SMURF
A hundred-year diet of only the finest smurfberries made this gourmet the most delicious of all Smurfs… which is why he was the first one who ended up on Gargamel’s dinner plate, lightly roasted in a thin au jus.
While the comedy inherent in a Smurf based around Rube Goldberg devices is tempting, the logistical problems intrinsic to the character just made him completely not worth it. Especially since every time he appeared, you had to have the alarm clock startle the chicken, sending the egg onto the spoon to knock the ball into the bucket which activated the windmill which pulled the toy train which lit the match that burned through the thread that dropped the bowling ball onto the see-saw that flung the tennis ball that hit the mousetrap that cut the string releasing the balloon that knocked the billiard ball onto the head of the writer who’s pretty sure that nobody’s reading at this point who hit the switch for the fan that moved the toy sailboat across the water to turn on the winch that raised the lever that knocked the bucket over that filled the fishtank that unlocked the door, and really, who’s got the time for all that?
7. SPARKLY SMURF
Before it was decided that Smurfette would be the only girl (having been created by Gargamel and sent to disrupt their utopian all-male society with her feminine wiles), there was an attempt to capture a different market with a series of romances between the truly ludicrous Sparkly Smurf and his lady love, Bella Smurf, mostly based on him standing around saying things like “We can never smurf together, Bella. I’m too smurfy, and I don’t know what I’d smurf if I smurfed you,” while she failed to have any personality whatsoever. And really, nobody‘s going to read a story like that. It’d be horrible.
6. HIPSTER SMURF
One of the defining features of Smurf society was that they were like a big family, where each of the Smurfs loved the others and contributed to their well-being. This made Hipster Smurf–who mostly stood around carefully grooming his handlebar moustache, snapping pictures with his iSmurf to upload to his FaceSmurf page, and claiming to be a musician–something of an odd fit, as he claimed to only love the other Smurfs ironically.
5. NERDY SMURF
Most of the Smurfs have highly specialized interests–Vanity Smurf had his mirror, Handy had his toolbelt, Jokey had his improvised explosive devices and his constant visits from Homesmurf Security–but Nerdy Smurf took that to the extreme, constantly correcting the others with “Um, actually, you forgot….” and going into far more detail than necessary about his multi-part “Snorks” fan-fiction.
4. BLOGGY SMURF
Combining Hipster Smurf’s love of irony with Nerdy Smurf’s mind for minutiae, Bloggy Smurf is the only Smurf who doesn’t wear pants. It’s all right, though: He rarely makes it out of his toadstool, instead spending his time hunched over his smurftop computer, writing up top ten lists on a strict deadline for Edity Smurf. See Also: Boozy Smurf
Also known as “Smurfy 2 Smurf,” Juggalo Smurf embraced the Smurfy Carnival and its endless showers of Smurfberry Faygo, spreading wicked clown love throughout the Smurf Village. Probably not a good idea to keep him around if you’re planning on doing any issues where the smurfs explain magnets and how they work, though.
2. FUNDY SMURF
Known in foreign markets as “Judgy Smurf,” Fundy Smurf constantly complained about how Papa Smurf didn’t accurately represent his views in the mainsmurf media, while also claiming that Gargamel’s attacks were a punishment for Smurfette’s lasciviously short minidress or the fact that Vanity Smurf was cramming his smurfuality down everyone else’s throat.
When Jokey goes too far with his explosive gifts, Brainy decides to settle things once and for all and makes a deal with OCP to take over the security of the village. It’s going well until things escalate and one of Jokey’s explosions critically injures a Smurf Cop, leaving OCP to have him rebuilt as Part-Smurf, Part Machine, All Cop. Unfortunately, it turns out that Gargamel had a secret fourth directive implanted into the newly christened “RoboSmurf” that prevents him from taking action against him or his cat Azrael.Eventually, though, RoboSmurf is able to overcome his programming and reclaim his identity: Alex Smurfy.