This Stuff Sucks: The Worst (And Weirdest) Vampire Products
this is the stuff we’re hanging up garlic to keep out of our houses, and we’ve gotten Chris Sims to round up some of the strangest — and worst — vampire merch we could find and thrust it into the searing glow of sunlight.
This is a piece of wood.
It retails for one hundred dollars.
We’ll go through that one more time for those of you in the back: This is literally a piece of wood, which is something that literally grows on trees. It has been sharpened and put in a very nice box, and for this service it carries an MSRP of $99.99, although to be fair, you can pick it up on Amazon for ten bucks less.
This is the exact item that made veteran retailer Mike Sterling start referring to the back half of the Previews catalog as “The End of Civilization,” and the strangest thing — at least for us, the crowd that’s usually pretty okay with shelling out a few bills to get stuff like Green Lantern rings that don’t even give you super-powers — is that it’s not even all that appropriate. It’s not like Buffy has one stake that she uses throughout the series. It’s like if a gun store was throwing whatever pistols they had laying around into commemorative boxes and calling it a Frank Castle Replica Pistol, except that in this scenario you would have to be able to find a gun virtually everywhere for free.
Besides, why spend the hundred dollars when for only $225, you could get this?
That’s a real heart.
Specifically, it’s a taxidermied pig’s heart, which is about as close as you can get to human without attracting the attention of local law enforcement, although to be honest, you’re probably still going to end up on one watch list or another. We have to admit though: A real heart with a stake in it? That is goth as hell.
It’s a popular theme on Etsy, but this one–in addition to haunting our nightmares for years to come–stands out by virtue of the fact that it comes in what appears to be a lace-cuffed red velvet smoking jacket, and if you take away the fangs, that makes us think of it more as a Baby Hugh Hefner doll. Which, again, is actually creepier than a vampire.
Not a bad idea for a perfume, but as Forks actually does exist in the real world, we asked Washington native David Campbell if it was accurate, and he informed us that rather than than vampires and swooning, Forks’ chief characteristics in real life are more along the lines of pine trees and meth. Which, now that we think about it, would be pretty easy to make a perfume out of.
In either case, we’ve got your vampire-themed bathtime taken care of already:
This is the most awesome thing we have ever seen and we are not even joking.
The packaging is, of course, done up to look like the synthetic blood marketed to vampires on the show, which means that this drink makes it easy to pretend that you’re drinking pretend blood, which is something we have a pretty hard time wrapping our heads around.
Which is why we might just stick with this:
Regardless, Blood claims to offer nutritional content similar to human blood while tasting like delicious fruit punch, and we’re willing to give it a chance, as it’s basically just Capri Sun with the label swapped out, and if we’re remembering elementary school correctly, Capri Sun is pretty awesome. Then again, the combination of “vampire” and “energy drink” doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, unless it’s being marketed directly at some kind of vampire skateboard champion. Plus, “potion?” Really? What, did Professor Snape brew it up after exams?
Still, it’d make a great touch to a Halloween party (if it wasn’t coming out in January, anyway), and hey! It’s got electrolytes! And as to what you’re going to do with all the energy it gives you…
But not as far as some people:
No, the real craziness comes from the product description, which touts both its “deathly pale flesh tone reminiscent of the moon’s soft glow” and the fact that it “retains hot and cold temperature,” so you can “toss it in the fridge for that authentic experience,” thus selling it on the strength of how accurate it is to a corpse’s wang. That’s right, folks: This may in fact be the first sex toy to be marketed directly to the amateur necrophiliac.
Congratulations, Tantus Direct: In the battle of the creepy vampire merchandise, you win.
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