The 500+ page Previews catalog can be pretty tough to get through, even for the most jaded comics reader. That's why every month, ComicsAlliance contributor Chris Sims sits down to scour the pages for the best, worst, and most mind-bogglingly insane items and bring them to you, the discerning reader, in our recurring feature, Chris vs. Previews!

P. 19 - Free Comic Book Day Books: The comics fan's favorite holiday is just over the horizon (it falls on May 1 this year, so mark your calendars!) so it's time for retailers to start ordering up the freebies, and it's a pretty good crop this year!

In order to tie into Iron Man 2, which hits the big screen the week after, Marvel's got two books starring ol' Shellhead, including an all-ages comic by Marvel Adventures mainstay Paul Tobin and Craig Rousseau, and an in-continuity team-up with everyone's favorite God of Thunder by the upcoming "Thor" team of Matt Fraction and John Romita Jr.! Plus there's the always-fun "Love and Capes" honeymoon issue, the kickoff for DC's "War of the Supermen," and a biographical comic from Bluewater -- the people who brought you the infamous Stephenie Meyer comic -- about Lady Gaga that's sure to be terrible.

What we're really looking forward to, though, is this:

Sure, IDW's already putting out four or five "G.I. Joe" comics every month, and sure, continuing the Marvel series after a long gap is exactly what Devil's Due did when they relaunched the franchise ten years ago, but this is the first time it's been done by Joe creator Larry Hama, and you should never, ever underestimate our love of Destro.P. 32 - The Guild #1

Believe it or not, but your humble guide to the pages of "Previews" might just be the only person left on the comics Internet who has no familiarity whatsoever with "The Guild" or its star, writer and nerd-crush Felicia Day. We are, however, familiar with "Guild" artist and "Street Angel" creator Jim Rugg, so we're going to go ahead and assume this is going to be about a plucky young girl who beats ninjas to death with her skateboard alongside a blaxploitation hero, who then go do a show on YouTube about World of Warcraft.

That's pretty much it, right? Right.

P. 116 - American Vampire #1: It was only a matter of time before DC went after the same audience that made Marvel's "Dark Tower" and "The Stand" series successful, but with "American Vampire," they've done one better by getting author Stephen King to attach his name to an original series.

But that's not the surprising part. No, that comes when you find out what the series is about, telling the story of how "the first American vampire is born... a vampire powered by the sun." You heard it here first, folks: Stephen King is straight up doing "Twilight: Year One."

P. 132 - "Fables" Mini-Busts: We never thought we'd see the day when it would actually happen, but with this month's solicitation of Snow White and Bigby Wolf mini-busts...

...we've actually seen a page where statues of male and female characters were solicited right next to each other, and the woman was dressed in a modest coat while the guy was in the ripped-up, revealing top. Well-played, DC Direct. Well-played.

P. 10 - Thor #608: Here at ComicsAlliance, we prefer to figure out what's going on in upcoming stories just by looking at the covers rather than by going through the trouble of actually reading the solicitations. Therefore...

...we can only assume that this senses-shattering chapter of "Siege" finds Volstagg, then Lion of Asgard, getting drunk -- really drunk. Like Myrtle Beach drunk, and then sitting around on the couch the next day telling Fandral to stop shouting and trying to keep down a handful of Bugles.

P. 15 - Girl Comics #1: We may have mentioned this one already.

P. 29 - Ultimate Comics New Ultimates #1: No, we did not make that title up. There is a book coming out called Ultimate Comics New Ultimates.


P. 59 - Punisher #15: We've gone over the controversy of the story where the Punisher becomes a Frankenstein's Monster before at length, but really, it just comes down to this:

If there is a situation in which you do not want to see a half-robot undead Frank Castle just cold mowing down Zombie Nazis, then we will never understand each other.

P. 188 - Glamourpuss #12: This month, Previews has a special focus on women in comics that kicks off with a two-page interview with Gail Simone and the promise to tag female-friendly comics with a special logo. So of course, the very first comic in the catalog to bear this logo... by Dave Sim, who has famously referred to women as "The Female Void," characterized a man getting a divorce as :the excision of a five-to-six- foot leech from the surface of a human body," and advised young men that "If you look at [a woman] and see anything besides emptiness, fear and emotional hunger, you are looking at the parts of yourself which have been consumed to that point."

Slow clap, Previews. Slow. Clap.

P. 232 - Tarot: Witch of the Black Rose #61: And the hits keep coming.

P. 238 - The Green Hornet #1: Six years after he was slated to write a "Green Hornet" film, writer/director/fanfic author Kevin Smith is doing a GH series for Dynamite Entertainment, complete with a Free Comic Book Day tie-in:

Smith, who took literally four years to finish a six-issue Spider-Man mini-series, is so well-known for lateness that the two-page solicitation includes both a blurb and four sentences in the solicitation itself about how he's finished scripting the entire series, which means that fans won't have to wait for months to see the Green Hornet and Kato get high, talk about their junk, and -- in Kato's case -- get raped.

P. 304-305: Karakuridoji Ultimo: And now, a picture of Stan Lee as a spider-tattooed Zatoichi:

Yes, that is really mean to be Stan Lee. And yes, we had to make sure we weren't in some bizarre fever dream too.

P. 370-371 - Anime Statues: The infamous "Previews" statue section doesn't actually offer much this time around. Sure, there's one of a girl in a fetching eyepatch-and-ribbon ensemble, and one of a girl in a "uniform" that appears to be a thong bikini accessorize with guns, but compared to the usual offers, that's not saying much.

And hey, at least they don't have the "Women In Comics" blurb on 'em this time.

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