On the one hand, the live-action G.I. Joe movies that we've already gotten are, to put it charitably, not very good. On the other hand, the first one gave us President Zartan and a straight up brutal ten minute fight scene between two nine year-olds, and the second had the RZA from the Wu Tang Clan shouting "STORM SHADOW! JINX! PREPARE FOR BATTLE!" and ended with Cobra Commander hanging out in South Carolina. At the end of the day, as bad as they are, I can't bring myself to not kind of love them, if only because they insist on being as weird as they possibly can.

Now, it seems like the third one is slated to get even weirder. HissTank.com, owners of the best possible URL for a G.I. Joe site, are reporting courtesy of FilmDivider that the villains for the third movie will be none other than the psychically linked twin commanders of the Crimson Guard, Tomax and Xamot. And if that's not enough, it's also rumored that the movie will feature Matt Trakker, leader of the Mobile Armored Strike Kommand, M.A.S.K., from the beloved (by me) but also pretty terrible '80s cartoon of the same name. In other words, G.I. Jo3 is gonna be bonkers.

Tomax and Xamot actually make a lot of sense for movie villains. The movies have burned through most of the major Cobra villains in the first two -- they killed Destro off in the second one in what has to be the greatest crime in cinema history -- and if they're planning to bring in new faces, their options are pretty limited. I mean, I would love to see them go all out and throw Serpentor in there, but a clone of history's greatest military leaders cosplaying as a snake and riding around on a flying sled is probably a more difficult sell to the studio that wanted G.I. Joe to be a pseudo-realistic military action movie, and Major Bludd, while awesome, isn't quite as big a name as the Twins.

Tomax and Xamot, however, are kind of perfect. Even with the psychic connection, they have an edge of -- much as I hate to say it -- "realism" that makes them perfect modern villains; specifically that they're bankers who manipulate financial markets for personal gain while also moonlighting as part-time terrorists.

The IDW comics, notably Mike Costa's run on the Cobra and Cobra Files books, have done a lot of great character work with them that could form a nice basis if the studio decided to, you know, actually write a movie that made sense this time. If the filmmakers actually just do Roadblock and Lady Jaye vs. the creepily synchronized 1%, then there's a chance I will forgive all the harrowing memories of Delta 6 Accelerator Suits and brainwashed Baronesses just to see it.

Especially if they're riding around in M.A.S.K. cars.


Specialist Matt Trakker


If you don't remember, M.A.S.K. was a toy line and cartoon about secret agents who had super-powered masks and also rode around in cars that could transform into battle modes, including the occasional airplane. Going back and watching it recently, I can confirm that it was awful, but when I was three years old, it was 100% my jam.

Hasbro has flirted with unifying the two toy lines before, including the release of a "Specialist Matt Trakker" figure for the G.I. Joe 25th Anniversary line that implied M.A.S.K. was a division of G.I. Joe, and their rivals, V.E.N.O.M., were part of Cobra. If they're planning to actually put him in a movie, it could be a sign that they're thinking of bringing M.A.S.K. back in some form or fashion -- maybe even a spin-off movie. Of course, it could also be a cameo, or a rumor that doesn't actually turn out to mean anything. Considering that I just found out they were doing a G.I. Joe 3 today, there are still a lot of ways to go with this.

Just keep in mind that a car that can fly when its doors are open would not be the weirdest or stupidest thing anyone has done in a G.I. Joe movie by a long, long shot.

Personally, I'm just hoping it crosses over with that Jem movie.

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