Dawn Of Nunchuks: Piecing Together The Entire, 100% Accurate Plot Of ‘Batman V Superman’ Through Action Figures

Like it or not, Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice is this year's most highly anticipated superhero movie, but for those of you looking forward to it, the month we still have to wait until its release must seem like an eternity. We're all caught in a terrifying limbo, not knowing how hard those two heroes are going to v each other, or whether they'll be doing it with an array of highly marketable accessories. There's an endless stream of questions that simply won't be answered until the movie hits theaters. Or so it would seem.

While I haven't seen the movie, I have walked down the toy aisle at my local department store, and I think I've managed to piece together the entire plot of the movie based solely on the various Batman v Superman action figures and playsets. After all, they only use the most important and plot-relevant scenes from the movie for the toys, right? And I have to say, it's a lot better than I thought it would be.

Obviously, the key element of Batman V Superman --- a brutal, dark, serious take on superheroes that is also accompanied by a line of action figures recommended for children at least three years old --- is going to be the fight, or possibly, the court case, between the title characters. Judging by the action figures, that's going to take up the majority of the movie's runtime, with a few minutes thrown in for costume changes.

The main thing that everyone seems to be asking is why they'd fight each other when they're both at least nominally good guys, but just as pressing is the question of exactly how Batman is going to be able to stand up to his Kryptonian adversary. Superman is, after all, an incredibly powerful being, with flight, super-speed, super-strength and the kind of invulnerability that can only be thwarted by a quick snap of the neck.

Batman, on the other hand, has a gun. A very large gun. So that's one question answered. Fortunately, Superman seems to have taken to carrying a shield with his own logo on it to protect himself from any bat-bullets that might be flying around Metropolis.

Beyond that, Batman's got a suit of armor, clearly inspired by The Dark Knight Returns. But rather than just enhancing Batman's strength and durability to put him on par with Superman, it also serves two very important purposes: Changing Batman's voice and protecting him from Superman's heat vision. Check out what we can definitely assume is actual dialogue from the movie:

Much like it was in Man of Steel, that heat vision is definitely going to prove to be a problem. It's the power that doesn't always come up when people talk about Superman and Batman throwing down, and the idea that he can vaporize someone just by looking at them certainly makes Superman a lot more formidable, even if Batman and his electronically altered voice are very confident in his ability to remain unharmed.

With that in mind, it looks like the entire second act of the film will be dealing with various iterations of laser eyes, taking the Man of Steel to a new level of power as he pumps so much fire out of his eyeballs that it briefly turns him into a character from Tron:

Now, as we've already seen, Batman's armor will protect him from being hurt by Superman's heat vision --- under normal circumstances! With his powers enhanced by a Kryptonian Tron Suit, even Bruce Wayne's sternest frown won't be able to withstand it.

But just as the heat vision proves to be too much for Batman's regular armor, the second act plot twist reveals that the Dark Knight has done his homework, and came prepared with a new piece of technology:

Okay, all joking aside though? I actually kind of like that design! Good job, Mattel.
With the heat vision negated, it's time for Batman to really turn the tables on his unstoppable adversary. At this point, I assume that Alfred arrives in the Sky Shooter Batwing to deliver Batman's ultimate costume change weapon: the Gauntlet Assault Bat-Suit.

The Kryptonite gloves are the pretty obvious feature --- and they prove that Batman v Superman is capable of the impressive feat of lifting imagery from not one, but two Frank Miller comics --- but I think that the suit itself is even more of a key point here. It's often been said that Batman has no super-powers, but depending on how liberally you're willing to define "super-powers," that's not really true. He has the closest thing that we have to abilities far beyond those of mortal men here in the real world, in that he has seemingly infinite wealth.

With that in mind, note the color of the Gauntlet Assault Bat-Suit, and how visually evocative it is. As much as we might have been worried about this movie being too dark --- like, actually, visually dark --- it looks like the filmmakers are going in the opposite direction, as Batman will be fighting Superman while wearing a suit literally made of gold.

Of course, that scene won't last long. Even this movie has to realize that it's kind of hard to get behind a guy dressed up in wealth and radioactive material. If their final confrontation is going to have any true impact, it can't end with flashy suits or Superman flying Batman to the moon. That would be silly, and this is a movie that requires realism. Once we've gotten through that large-scale violence, it's time for things to get personal.

So that's when Batman loses the Kryptonite and the golden suit, and pulls out his Deluxe Combat Sword set:

It's weird that none of the promotional media has mentioned or shown that Batman will be using a sweet katana to battle Superman. You'd think that would be something that they'd want people to know before they go into the theater, so that they're adequately prepared to get super pumped. That, however, is not what caught my eye.

No. For me, it's the Bat-Chuks.

I realize that I've been pretty cynical about this movie, but if I'd known before now that there would be (soft, safe) nunchuks involved in 2016's most brutal v, I would've changed my tune long before now.