Marvel Studios has released the first trailer for this summer's big movie, Guardians of the Galaxy -- the one we all thought was going to be a terrible turkey but now we're actually excited about! But what have we actually learned from two and a half minutes of footage?
Our team of forensic experts have sifted through every nanosecond of the trailer for the clues, cameos, and clever subtle alpha-nerd references that all the other sites missed, because we're the true comics masters, and no-one can match this level of in-depth coverage. No-one. YOU HEAR ME, SCREEN CRUSH? EAT IT.
1. Is This An Easter Egg?
A lot of sites are speculating that this orb is an Easter egg, but it's the wrong shape. Trust me, I eat a lot of chocolate eggs at Easter, and they are shaped like actual eggs, although I had one last year that was shaped like Thor. It was terrible, but I got to eat Thor... so. Anyway, we can say for sure that this probably isn't an Easter egg, and anyway, they don't celebrate Easter on alien planets, that would be silly. Easter is a Jesus festival, and they don't have Jesus in space. They have Adam Warlock. Does that mean this silvery orb is something to do with Adam Warlock? We think so.
2. Michael Douglas as Hank Pym
A lot of people are saying this is Benicio Del Toro as the Collector, based on nothing more solid than the fact that it looks exactly like Benicio Del Toro as the Collector. But it also looks like Ant-Man actor Michael Douglas in Behind the Candelabra, so, ipso facto, what if Benicio Del Toro is playing Michael Douglas playing Liberace playing Hank Pym? Does this mean Yellowjacket will be in the next Avengers movie? We think so.
We also noticed that Michael Douglas/Benicio Del Toro is wearing a coat made of wookiee fur that has been bleached white with Jawa dyes by the washer women of Hoth. Other sites have missed this, but we pay very close attention. So does this make Guardians of the Galaxy the first step in Disney's grand plan to tie together the Marvel and Star Wars universes, ending in a big fight where Galactus chokes on a Death Star? We think so.
17. "Rocket" Is Actually Rocket Raccoon
You'd have to be pretty deep into comics to spot this one, but the character referred to in the trailer as "Rocket" is actually 1970s talking animal superstar Rocket Raccoon, created by Bill Mantlo and Keith Giffen. If you pause the trailer and squint, you can see that he's actually a raccoon. (The reveal that Rocket is a raccoon is probably something they're saving for the movie, so, sorry about the spoilers.) Does the fact that Marvel is now using real live animals in its movies mean that they're currently training a horse to play Beta Ray Bill? We think so.
43. This Is Some Guy Whose Face We Can't See
It's probably Ronan the Accuser, because... he's in the movie, right? IMDB says he's definitely in the movie. And he's not anywhere else in the trailer, so this is probably him. Wait, unless it's Glenn Close. I always thought she looked pretty strong, and Glenn Close is also in this movie, as unlikely as that sounds. Who else is in this movie? I still have the IMDB tab open, so... uh... Walking Dead's Michael Rooker? He's in it. It could be him. Ooh, or maybe it's a surprise! Could this be an un-billed Harvey Keitel as the In-Betweener? Sure, why not?
87. Chris Pratt is Frakkin' Adorable
Chris Pratt is so intensely likable in this trailer that we suspect he's interfering with the pleasure centres of our brains, and that is the defining superpower of the best ever Avenger, Starfox. Now, Starfox is the brother of the villain Thanos, who has ties to Gamora and Drax, and is probably behind whatever is happening in this movie, maybe. We all know that the Marvel movies are leading up to a big Thanos confrontation, and it just wouldn't be any fun without Starfox, so he definitely has to be in this. So is Chris Pratt actually Starfox, and that's why we're totally in love with him? We think so. (Call me.)
Group shot! The Guardians of the Galaxy are a lot like the Avengers; they too have one violent, taciturn, super-strong giant green man, and they too have one whole actual "woman." Both teams have a marksman played by a forgettable Bradley Cooper/Jeremy Renner type; both teams have a tree and/or Iron Man; and both teams have a buff white guy played by a guy named Chris. But the Avengers has two of those, which is why they made so much bank. Guardians will make less bank, because fewer white Chrisses = less bank. But does the resemblance between the two teams mean a Guardians/Avengers crossover is inevitable? We think so.
171. Black Panth---uh, Some Kree Dude
Two-time Academy Award nominee Djimon Hounsou plays Korath the Pursuer, a really really minor Kree bad-ass who used to be blue in the comics, but they blew the body paint budget already on ladies and wrestlers, which is how a lot of people in Hollywood blow their budgets, and all the leftover paint got used on characters in other films from other studios. So now yet another of Hollywood's big name black leading men probably can't be Black Panther. Hi, Idris Elba! Hey Anthony Mackie! So is this all a conspiracy to make sure there are no black actors left who can play Black Panther? Does this mean that we'll end up with a Black Panther played by a blond white actor named Chris? Chris Pine? Chris O'Donnell? Chris Martin from Coldplay? We think so.
172. Nerddom's Own Karen Gillan
Karen Gillan is a nerd fan favorite because of her work as Amy Pond in Dr. Who? and her comics with artist Jamie McKelvie on Young Avengers and Phonograph. Nebula is a space pirate, like the Starjammers. Does that mean this movie will be full of Starjammers? Jammed with them? Ha ha. Has Marvel worked out the rights issues around a bunch of characters from the X-Men comics whose members not only sometimes include X-Men, but also the dad of two of the X-Men? And sometimes Carol Danvers? Does this mean a Captain Marvel movie? OMG OMG OMG! But, no. Even we don't think so.
173. Ooga-Chaka Ooga-Chaka Ooga-Chaka
Star-Lord is very attached to his Walkman, which plays the 1974 song "Hooked On A Feeling" by Blue Swede, which you have had stuck in your head all day. ALL DAY. Clearly Star-Lord has no way of replacing this treasured possession, which means he hasn't been on Earth since about the mid-'80s. That means he may have missed the whole grim-n-gritty era of comics in the late '80s that started with Watchmen and The Dark Knight Returns and quickly deteriorated into twenty years of garbage. So he probably doesn't know that superheroes are supposed to be violent, miserable and humorless. Does this mean this movie might actually be fun?
We think so.
If you enjoyed the trailer and plan to see the movie, consider making a donation to the continued healthcare costs of disabled Rocket Raccoon co-creator Bill Mantlo, who does not have an ownership stake in his Marvel Comics work. You can read more about Mr. Mantlo's life and plight in this in-depth article by Bill Coffin.