Nuclear explosion image

It's the end of the week explosion! I have a new career as a police's more like I'm in charge of the neighborhood watch...and by that I mean I'm really enjoying calling the cops on the kids in my building for playing with illegal fireworks. Don't tell Seacord though...he has quite the problem with authority and he's still loopy from all the drugs they gave him in the emergency room for his disfigured hand.

Q: So it was a big holiday week for you. You finally read Planet Hulk, you saw Transformers, AND you lost a finger using illegal fireworks. We'll get to the first two in a bit - but your PO must not have been to happy about the finger huh?

Not happy is an understatement. First off, it's never a good idea to invite your Parole Officer over to your 4th of July BBQ. Why you ask? Because then she expects there to be food and not just an array of cigarettes, cough syrup and bags full of spray paint. Needless to say this was poor planning on my part. What can I say though? After two bottles of cold medicine you begin to think that one bottle rocket can launch seven M-80's and that's crazy talk. In my last second attempt to re-direct said bottle rocket I mistimed the fuse (so I was told) and woke up to the sounds of my P.O.'s oxygen tank, screams, and yes, some cheers. At any rate, being born with six fingers leaves room for error in cases such as this. What is the lesson learned here? God Bless America.

Planet Hulk image

Q: Planet Hulk is so awesome. How awesome is it?

Beyond amazing. I didn't even need the (legally prescribed) Percocet to enhance this experience. (But it did enhance my 12 hour Guitar Hero marathon session, that's right ladies, 12 hours). I'm really hoping that they ramp up the violence here. I would love to see some flash back sequences of the Hulk pummeling Black Bolt. Either that, or Black Bolt screaming in pain and leveling the moon in the process. I wonder if him crying has the same effect as just talking? The Hulk gladiator image has inspired me to re-vamp my wardrobe – but Speedos and a plastic Thundercats sword didn't have the effect I was going for. Which brings me to a quick reminder, if you are 29, you can't just sit in on high school history classes.

Q: I really liked Transformers. Didn't looooove it. But I thought it did a pretty good job, including the gratuitous use of a Washington Redskins Clinton Portis jersey. What'd you think?

I liked it a lot. And for everyone out there who doesn't have the mad Guitar Hero skills I possess and is striking out with the ladies here's some advice, get yourself a talking robot car. If you don't have the money for one of those or you're tired of standing in your neighbor's yard looking for meteors to hit here's a tip: you and a friend rent a car, hide him under a sheet in the back seat, drive slowly down the street with no headlights on, and when you approach a female have him yell "GET IN THE CAR!". Guaranteed to work. I mean I saw it in a movie when are they ever wrong? Though I was caught off guard that all Lions can't talk and the portal to Narnia is not at the National Zoo. I even tried using a British accent and nothing. And if you're going to jump into the lion's exhibit to try this out, make sure you can run, FAST. Oh I'm leaving the Redskin thing alone. Though I was expecting some reference to dog fighting after the Portis jersey...ZING!

Kwik-E-Mart makeover imageQ: I forgot - right before you blew up your hand we went to a normal 7-11 and saw some of the Simpsons items. Are you going to drive an hour to see one of the stores that's been turned into a Kwik-E-Mart?

I'm not falling for the "drive for an hour Seacord" trick again. Last time I did that I ended up at your uncle's "compound" spending the weekend working the camera for his "independent film." I should have known something was up when we had to get the actors to sign the release via me dressed as a FedEx guy.

Q: Speaking of 7-11, Stephen Colbert's new comic, Tek Jansen, comes out on 7/11. What's your interest here?

Off the charts. I can't wait to see if he used my script. I've been writing Tek Jansen fan fiction for six months now which can be read at If the link doesn't work it's probably just server overload. When you mix one of the greatest political minds on the planet with comic books you are bound to get non-stop hilarity and witty sexual innuendos. Granted, after repeated attempts to order the book Alpha Squad Seven online I actually had my Amazon account revoked but I know that was not Steve's fault (We're on a first name basis). I plan to write a review for him per his request (well I haven't opened the certified letter from the State of New York yet but I imagine that's what it is) and maybe he'll finally get around to reviewing your uncle's movie for me. I think he's shown it to someone because I keep getting requests for interviews from Dateline. Dateline and Maryland state detectives. Hmmm.

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