End of the Week Explosion #6
Each week we look at recent events with our favorite angry fanboy – Seacord. This week we caught him right after a meeting with his PO, so he was a little more…aggressive…than usual.
Q: Hmmm…it’s a slow week for things you like to talk about. In the recommendations for new books I talked about prison. When you were in prison did you attack the first guy you saw to prove how crazy you were?
You kind of have to do that, you know? Just grab the first medium-sized dude you see and buy him a ticket to the infirmary. Can’t beat down a little guy because nobody will be impressed and if you pick a guy that’s too big your plan might backfire, so you gotta mess up a medium-sized guy. I can’t tell you how much trouble that mentality gets you in once you’re back in society. I mean, you just can’t go around threatening people because they’re looking at your ice cream cone funny. You never can tell what’s coming though – little kids eyeball you something fierce and you KNOW they like ice cream. What are they looking at? What, you’ve never seen a grown man wearing phone book armor? Protection, man, protection…quit staring at me already. What were we talking about?
Q: Anderson was all stoked about the Speed Racer car this week. I was too until I found out that it didn’t transform into a giant robot. Are you at all excited for this movie?
I have two words for you: I’m not. Sure the car looks cool, but I’ve yet to see a good movie with a monkey as a co-star. Sorry. Doesn’t happen. Good cartoons don’t make good live action movies each and every time. It’s as if Hollywood is going to go through the entire afterschool and Saturday morning cartoon lineup and throw them on the screen just to see what makes money and what doesn’t. Didn’t Marvel try that with comics and almost bankrupt themselves giving every crap character their own title? Maybe Cartman had the right idea, I mean AWESOME-O….just put Adam Sandler in every movie…we can’t be that far from it anyways.
Q: Speaking of movies I know you’re excited about…there was a report this week that Warner Bros. is doing a CGI Thundercats movie. How upset is every furry in the world right now that this project isn’t live action?
So very sad…you know it. And thank Christ it isn’t live-action. Out of principle I could not walk into a theater and sit next to a guy in a Snarf costume. I’ve tolerated a lot of weird outfits at premieres. Never, no way, no how. I’ll never understand why people want to dress up like creepy animals anyways. To each their own. Guess the same could be said for my phone book armor but that is PRACTICAL. It’s really just common sense.
Q: So we’ve got Transformers, He-Man, Thundercats…what ’80s franchise is next? Not counting G.I. Joe because that’s an easy answer.
I’m going to go out on a limb and say Care Bears live action. Why, you ask? Because the furry god is going to punish me for hacking on them and then it’ll be some twilight zone nightmare of grown men and women walking around asking you to rub their “tummy’s” for luck, which I’m pretty sure is illegal in most states. Let me clarify: I KNOW it’s illegal if you aren’t in costume (see the first question) so I have to assume that the costume doesn’t make it any more illegal. Don’t judge me.
Q: I have no idea what you’re talking about. Did you see that “Dance, Superman, Dance” video we put up? I can’t stop watching it. It’s almost as good as that clip you sent me of Slayer playing Gemini.
I’m going to keep this short, I have no idea what they are saying and I can’t explain why Spider-girl is with Supes. The best part is their costumes are a step up from the old school K-mart ones with the smock and mask. Those ruled. What happened to them?
Q: We love to gamble – place your bet now on how bad Fantastic Four 2 is going to be…
“1″ being Die Hard and “10″ being the soon to be live-action Care Bears flick….Well then Fantastic Four 2 will be a 14. I don’t even care that Jessica Alba burns off her clothes. I’ve seen it in Sin City. Not worth 10 bucks. It’ll be an idiot meter. To like this movie you would need a full frontal lobotomy. Actually, after seeing it you may need one too.