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In Honor Of ‘Spirit Tracks,’ A Look At ‘The Legend Of Zelda’ Valiant Comics Series

This week marks the North American release of “The Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks” on the Nintendo DS, the latest adventurous installment in one of the richest and most popular videogame series of, well, all time I suppose. And every beloved video game series deserves comics to go along with it, amirite?

As early as 1992, Nintendo Power delivered a fun and cohesive comic adaptation of the original NES game by mangaka Shotaro Ishinomori, which was perfect for fans seeking an expanded gaming experience. Then in 1997, Nintendo-approved manga began rolling out of Japan and Europe.

The general American comics industry, however, has not been as kind.

Sure, Viz has imported most of the manga to English-speaking audiences of late, but thanks to the awkward attempts by Valiant Comics to cash in on the “Zelda” license in the early ’90s, a generation of fans have been shaking their heads in shame waiting for an “Excuuuuse me princess,” for nearly two decades.

Continue reading for a look at all five (plus one special!) of Valiant’s painfully misunderstood “Zelda” comics (which I am going to make up lies about).

Link and Zelda looking fly! Link’s excited because he just saw a crow…for Zelda to shoot and cook for their evening meal. I never figured him for a male oppressor, but the proof is in my completely made-up pudding.

Link and Zelda take off for a romantic weekend on Death Mountain, leaving his buddy Ichabod Crane to protect Hyrule. Ol’ Ichabod ends up drinking one too many blue potions and picks a fight with the leader of Kakariko Village’s Anti-Pants Guild. His headstone can be found just south of Lon Lon Ranch.

It’s the holiday season in Hyrule and Link and Zelda are busy hunting for the perfect gift to celebrate the magic “Glowing Triangle Day.” In an ironic twist of fate Link sells his Master Sword to buy Zelda a pair of reading glasses and Zelda sells her eyeballs to buy link a scabbard for his Master Sword. Those two!

A panic erupts as tickets for the hotly anticipated “Hyrule Summer Slam ’89″ concert go on sale outside of radio station HYRL: The Moblin. Link must trust in Zelda’s ability to camp in line overnight while he’s stuck working his seasonal job at the Lake Hylia Fishery (and dreaming of a better life). Will they have enough rupees for lawn seats? Or Will Zelda’s feminine wiles win the day? Or better yet? Will she straight up murderize a bunch of monsters? Okay, I’ll tell you. All of the above!

Zelda and Link’s relationship is on the rocks after she catches her main squeeze sharing a forbidden smooch with Sprite. Now, in an attempt to make Link jealous, she’s taking Hyrule High’s star quarterback Stegman Sauron to the annual Homecoming Dance. Can Link put aside his fairy lust, successfully murder Zelda’s faux suitor and reclaim the princess’ heart before it’s too late? Let’s say yes!

While not a part of “The Legend of Zelda” series proper, “The Nintendo Comics System” series hosted a Link and Zelda adventure in its seventh issue. In the story, Link and Zelda go on a romantic spa getaway complete with ectoplasm bondage, Bad Bat massage and the sweet serenading of Ganon and the Dorfers (Dorfers not pictured). I don’t want to blow the ending, but it turns out the spa is actually Ganon and the Dorfers’ Evil Castle of Bats And Evil Ectoplasm Bondage. Gotta remember to read those little signs in front of every building people!

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