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Ten Things Fred Phelps Will Probably Hate at Comic-Con

By now we’ve all heard the news that noted professional hate monger Fred Phelps will be setting up camp at this year’s San Diego Comic-Con alongside his faithful disciples of the Westboro Baptist Church, doing their usual song and dance of holding up prism-colored signs and saying idiotic nonsense in the hopes someone will pay attention to them (You’ll likely be best served ignoring him, however).

In a statement released to the press, Phelps insists the reason he decided to target Comic-Con this year was, “[Comic fans] have turned comic book characters into idols,” followed by the some ambiguous Bible verses before going on to insinuate that Comic-Con is nothing more than a place where us geeks go to worship at the altars of Superman, Batman and the various creative talents behind them.

Look, Fred, far be it from us to tell you how to go about your business. After all, you have hate down to a scien — err, given gift, and we’re just a bunch of comic book nerds looking to have a bit of fun in SoCal amongst our own. But that being said, we think you might be a bit…misguided in your hate this time around (well, in a different way than usual). In fact, judging by that statement, we’re guessing that you’ve probably never even been to Comic-Con before, right?Worry not, Fred, because to prove that us devoted Supermanists are an accepting lot — even to folks so blinded by ignorance, ego and fear — we’d like to offer you some tips as to what you should really be focusing your hate on, because truthfully, idol worship is the least of the debauchery that goes on that weekend. Here’s some suggestions for signs that you we think you should bring if you really want to get our attention — it’s only Tuesday, so you’ve got plenty of time to get these printed up before the show starts! (*snicker*)

GOD HATES SLAVE LEIA: Ya know, you probably don’t even get this reference since we’re guessing God hates science which means God hates science-fiction and therefore God hates “Return of the Jedi” (and he ain’t the only one, Fred! *nudge*)

 

GOD HATES KEVIN SMITH: Good heavens, the things that comes out of this man’s mouth…

 

GOD HATES BOOTH BABES: Scantily clad, way-out-of-anyone’s-league beautiful women used as a sales tactic to lure shakedown innocent, grown men for cash? You’ll definitely want to keep your eyes on these girls, Fred. For the cause, of course. *wink*

GOD HATES QUARTER BINS: Do you even realize the amount of filth these disgusting cardboard boxes hold?! Dr. Strange preaching his devil magic, Northstar and Batwoman being openly gay under the guise of saving the world, untold amounts of Garth Ennis stories, and — you might want to sit down for this one — Ben Grimm (a.k.a. The Thing)…a Jewish superhero!

 

GOD HATES…GODS: Thor, Hercules, Wonder Woman’s extended family…Oof — this one would make your head spin, Fred!

 

GOD HATES FOOD PRICES INSIDE THE CONVENTION CENTER: $3.00 for a bottle of water?! You want an example of greed, you’ve come to the right place!

 

GOD HATES AFTER PARTIES: We can only assume your after parties invites got sent to your spam folder, so print this one up so you can be all, “I didn’t want to go to your crummy party anyway!”

 

GOD HATES LINES: Patience may be a virtue, but waiting up to several hours just for a chance to maybe get into a good panel is enough to drive anyone to thoughts of wrath. You’re good at standing around, but with no “Bigotry” panel to wait for, this practice probably equates to sloth in your eyes.

 

GOD HATES CHRISTIANS WHO AREN’T PHELPS: Despite its reputation as a sea of depravity, Comic-Con does have a spiritual side. Panels on Christianity and other religious/spiritual issues in comics aren’t uncommon at the show. That doesn’t matter to you, though, since you pretty much believe everyone outside of your family (the elect, y’all) is doomed.

GOD HATES Wi-FI: As grateful as Comic-Con attendees are for wi-fi access during the show, its often unstable connection has ruined plenty of bloggers’ afternoons. You’re a Web site kind of guy, Fred. Having to wait to update your Justin Bieber concert protest schedule from your smartphone on the fly is going to be a hassle, amirite?

There you have it Fred, just some tips so you don’t look like a total out-of-the-loop jackass…well, less so than you usually do at least.

Anyone else have any suggestions for Fred before he hits the show?

(Special thanks to Says-It.com for their handy “Make a Westboro Baptist Church Sign” generator)

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