Welcome to Cast Party, the feature that imagines a world with even more live action comic book adaptations than we currently have, and comes up with arguably the best casting suggestions you’re ever going to find for the movies and shows we wish could exist.
This week we're doing something pretty different. For one thing, though Masters of the Universe has been a comic, it's primarily a TV cartoon and a line of toys, and those are the sources I'm turning to in casting this movie.
The other difference is that this movie is actually in development. In fact, McG is expected to sign on as director. I suppose that saves me the trouble of picking a director for this imaginary version of the movie, which is just as well, since my pick would almost certainly be gayer than Mattel or most fans of the property would be comfortable with.
I firmly believe that the only way to make a good He-Man movie is to embrace the utter weirdness of the franchise. Don't be afraid to be silly, but don't make the film into a joke. I don't know if this is a balance that McG can successfully strike, but if he takes my casting advice, he'll be halfway there.
Channing Tatum as He-Man
Tatum has the all-important He-Man body, or as close as you're likely to get with an actual human, and he also has the natural charm to pull of something this ridiculous. Being charming and pulling things off are what his career's been built on.
Nick Offerman as Man-At-Arms
Speaking of charm, Offerman's a delight even when he's playing a curmudgeon. He also has one of the best mustaches in Hollywood, which is key for the role of Duncan, veteran weapons master and He-Man's most trusted confidant.
Rebecca Hall as Teela
Teela, done right, requires a mix of strength and beauty, warmth and toughness. Hall perfectly embodies this balance.
Tony Todd as Skeletor
Even if this is a movie with its figurative tongue in its cheek, a live-action Skeletor should be legimately creepy and avoid the screechiness of his animated self. Todd's voice has always sounded like a rumbling from beyond the grave, and he's got experience working under makeup.
Ziyi Zhang as Evil-Lyn
I'm honestly not sure if Zhang has ever played a witch before, but she definitely has the right aura of ethereal power.
Charlize Theron as the Sorceress of Greyskull
Theron's so amazing that she could probably pull off that brightly colored hawk costume, but I still think a full redesign of the Sorceress is probably a good idea.
Harry Lennix as Stratos
Stratos is a king in his own right, but he's always there when He-Man needs him. Lennix carries himself with the gravitas one would expect from the gray-bearded king of the bird people.
Braun Strowman as Beast-Man
Playing Beast-Man doesn't require much in the way of acting, or even talking. What it does require is being huge. That's one thing Strowman can definitely handle.
Andy Serkis as Merman
All of Serkis's most acclaimed roles have been as non-human characters. If anyone can make Merman interesting to watch, it's him.
Danny Trejo as Trapjaw
Trejo's best known for playing a guy who's literally covered in weapons. Playing a guy whose weapons are part of his body is the next logical step.
Richard Ayoade as Zodac
I think you have to give a "cosmic observer/enforcer" character like Zodac a sense of humor if he's going to avoid being totally boring. Ayoade can absolutely bring that to the part.