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Tony Was Right: ‘Captain America’ Arrested With Burrito In Pants

Being a journalist is not an easy job. It requires long hours interviewing sources and trying to get the facts straight, not to mention having to pay your dues covering city council meetings and the adherence to the often arbitrary-seeming style guide. It’s tough.

But the reward is that you get to write sentences like this:

MELBOURNE, Fla. — A Brevard County doctor dressed up in a Captain America outfit was arrested with a burrito in his tights.

And it only gets better from there, in an article that describes the drunken escapades of one super-soldier at a costumed pub crawl in Florida:

Everything was fine until, witnesses said, Captain America started getting too forward with a burrito he kept tucked inside his blue tights, a burrito that ultimately landed him in jail.

It’s certainly not the Captain America from the comic books. This one is accused of sinister deeds more fitting of a villain than a superhero. On Saturday night, when a costume party full of medical professionals stopped at On Tap Cafe, police said Adamcik had a burrito stuffed below the waistband of his costume and was asking women if they want to touch it. When one refused, he allegedly took out the burrito and groped her.The woman called police and, when they arrived, the officers wrote in their report “there were so many cartoon characters in the bar at the time, all Captain America’s were asked to go outside for a possible identification.”

Yes, in a move sure to vindicate supporters of the Super-Human Registration Act, Captain America was arrested after getting drunk and sexually harassing bar patrons with Mexican food in his pants, and the fact that I just got to type that means that there’s a good possibility that we’re living in the best of all possible worlds. Of course, the Cap in question was not Steve Rogers (or Bucky Barnes, John Walker, or ’50s Commie-Smashin’ Cap William Burnside), but rather a doctor who got blitzed on something other than the Super-Soldier Serum during a costume party and made what I think we can all agree are some pretty poor choices.

Even worse (or better, depending on your level of schadenfreude), once he was in the police station, he attempted to flush a joint down the jailhouse toilet, and was caught. This is clearly not setting a great example for others, but to be fair, I’m pretty sure that’s a faithful re-enactment of the events of 1990’s “Captain America: Streets of Poison.”

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