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End of the Week Explosion #19

This week in the Explosion, Seacord tries to initiate a war with the Chinese over video games! Just keep in mind that Seacord’s opinions in no way reflect the opinions of Comics Alliance. Or anyone else. Or even himself. I blame all those lead-paint covered Holly Hobby toys he ate a few weeks ago.

Q: So, it’s mostly official! The dude that directed HAPPY FEET is directing the JUSTICE LEAGUE movie. You got your eye on a role?

JLAWhat’s up, bro? Happy Feet? Is that that Penguin surf movie? Jesus Christ. I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that someone sold a movie about surfing penguins or the fact that the same ass-clown that directed is going to reshape our childhood. Why can’t Seth Green just take some Super Powers action figures and make a movie with them. I guarantee there will be no cute animals and at least one of the figures will be blown up with an M-80 (Blowing up figures with fireworks and playing with knives leads to teaching yourself to type with your feet….TRUST ME).

Q: I preordered a copy of HALO 3 for myself and one for you. I’m picking my copy up at midnight. What about you? Are we both going to die like that dude in China?

I can only hope. That is why American’s are lazy and fat. We lack dedication. When was the last time you did anything for three hours without sleeping? Exactly. If we go to war with China why are they going to win? A: Because they will be trained in the use of weapons from hours upon hours of video gaming AND they are practically superhumans who are going to evolve to the point of not needing sleep. For that matter, what time did you wake up today? Ass-crack of noon? This man will rally a nation. We all better learn Chinese or hope that when the war starts all their hearts explode after three days…what? Too soon? Oh and remember Down III same day as HALO. They go together like beer and dry-heaving.

Q: Man. I’m glad HALO 3 comes out this week. I have anticipation fatigue. Anyway, Paul Dini is writing theGatchaman GATCHAMAN (Battle of the Planets) movie for the director and studio that made the new TMNT movie. That means ROBOTECH, VOLTRON and BATTLE OF THE PLANETS are all coming to theaters within the next few years. How can they mess this up?

Is that a rhetorical question? Did you mean how can they not mess this up? Did you see Spider-Man, Fantastic Four, Daredevil, Happy Feet? You really think they are going to hit home runs with all three of these? Hell, do you think even one of these will be in the theater longer than two weeks. Two of these will be direct to DVD releases and one may make the theaters. I’ll let the debate begin between which is which. I thought about seeing TMNT in the theaters then I went to an AA meeting and realized I’ve been wasting my life so I went home and stuck forks in my eyes. I think the forks had a better effect than the movie would have.

Q: Most people don’t know this, but you invented the saying “Don’t tase me, bro!” way before that jackass at the Kerry speech. Does Billy Ray Cyrus still have a restraining order against you?

Define “restraining order”…the most perplexing thing is how “Achy Breaky Heart” gave birth to Hannah Montana. I know some of you might be thinking, what is the obsession with Hannah? Watch the show. Sure it makes me kinda creepy and if you are ever on the subway and you hear the ringtone of the Hannah Montana theme go off…look straight ahead because if you make eye contact I won’t know if it’s the ringing of my phone or my bandaged torso and horribly scarred face (again, knives and fireworks) either way I’m sure my response will be a parole violation. PS – Mr. Cyrus I have nothing but the best intentions for your daughter. I plan to provide her the life she has grown accustomed to, being the wonderfully handsome, wealthy, self-made…who am I kidding, I hope she likes the Dollar Menu and Xbox.

Who doesn’t, Seacord? Who doesn’t?

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