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Halloween Safety Advisory: The Green Goblin Will Steal Your Candy

We’re in the home stretch before Halloween, and along with the fact that grocery stores are currently at critical mass with soon-to-be-discounted “Fun Size” candy bars, it also means that it’s time once again for the annual paranoia about the dangers of Trick-or-Treating. But while children across the country have been warned about apples with razor blades in them, poisoned jellybeans and houses that give out dental floss instead of candy, the real danger is going sadly unreported:

The Green Goblin is totally going to steal your candy.Most people are familiar with the Goblin from villainous acts like chucking Spider-Man’s girlfriend off a bridge and his brief but surprisingly effective takeover of the United States military, but in the easy-to-read and totally awesome Spidey Super Stories comics from the ’70s, he had an entirely different set of goals in mind:

He devoted every ounce of criminal cunning and the brilliance that allowed him to make a rocket glider to stealing Halloween candy. And while I’m not sure what sinister purpose he plans for mountains and mountains of those chewy, pretty much inedible black and orange candies, I’m sure it’s no good.

So this year, take the following precautions:

1. Do not leave candy in an easily accessible place, like the back of a “Candy Dragon” that can be easily transported across state lines.

2. Do not leave candy unattended, even if it is in your own house.

3. If you are able to apprehend the Goblin, force him to apologize and refer to him by diminutive nicknames. It’s the only way he’s going to learn his lesson.

4. If candy is recovered from the Green Goblin, leave it with the nearest available super-model.

Finally, and perhaps the most important lesson of all:

5. Do not consume any candy that has been sat upon by a grown man in green spandex tights.

Best just to let it go and pick some up at the November 1 sales.

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