Since her introduction thirty years ago as a new character younger readers could relate to, Kitty Pryde has been a ballerina, a computer genius, a super-hero, a ninja, a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent and a bartender, in that order. In short, she’s picked up quite a few marketable skills.
Now, with her imminent return and her current gig as an intangible space bullet pilot at an end, the ComicsAlliance staff has taken to wondering what’s next for Kitty Pryde, which is why our own Chris Sims and Caleb Goellner have brainstormed a few potential new careers for everyone’s favorite surrogate girlfriend!
OPTION 1: PIRATE
If there’s one thing the past five years of Internet memes and news from the East African coast have taught us, it’s that piracy is still a pretty viable career option here in the 21st Century. And it’s one Kitty would be great at: She learned swordplay in Japan from Ogun (thus becoming the perfect combination of Pretty Girl, Ninja and Pirate that could set the web’s heart aflame once more), she could phase through decks in search of booty, and we’re pretty sure that they just go ahead and issue you an eyepatch when you join S.H.I.E.L.D. “just in case.”
And really, she’s been just about everything else.
OPTION 2: AIRLINE PILOT
If you think that Sully Sullenberger inspired confidence in his airline passengers after he safely landed his plane in the Hudson river, imagine how safe you’d feel flying with someone who saved the entire planet from being shot with a hollowpoint bullet the size of a skyscraper that was shot at the world from space, especially since she could turn the plane completely intangible in the event of a catastrophic systems failure.
As to whether she’s got the necessary skills, we’re pretty sure that all of the X-Men were taught how to fly an airplane as part of their super-hero training, but even if they weren’t, once you fly a gigantic silver space-phallus, you can fly pretty much anything.
“Caller, you’re on the air with Coast to Coast with Kitty.”
“Yeah, I’ve got a theory that angels in the guise of space aliens are using MKULTRA conditioning as part of an alliance with the Illuminati in order to–“
“Look, caller, when I was 13 I was recruited to be part of an underground super-powered paramilitary organization by a mind-reader who dated an alien, and then I went to space where my friends got turned into a group of alien insects and one space whale. If you can’t top that, don’t waste my time.”
Not gonna lie, folks: We totally just put this one in here so that we could make a joke about Kitty’s experience polishing chrome. We’re not proud of it.
OPTION 5: PLUMBER
Share a bathroom with Wolverine and the Beast for a few years, and you’re going to learn a thing or two about dealing with clogged drains. There is no doubt in our minds that Kitty, with her ability to phase through floors and turn clumps of blue hair intangible, was on call pretty much every morning to get things moving so that an impatient Cyclops could take the first of twenty-four (and only
twenty-four) OCD-induced showers, and it’s about time she started getting paid for it.
The only problem is that Kitty’s history of becoming embroiled in the most convoluted situations imaginable (that time she became a ninja? Super-hypnotic ninja training that took place in exactly one day. No kidding.), she would invariably be sucked into the Mushroom Kingdom in the middle of a big job. And she bills hourly for that.
OPTION 6: DISNEY PRINCESS
With Disney’s acquisition of Marvel, a whole new world of possibilities opens up for a character that’s spent the past three decades being a target of complete obsession severe devotion of fans of all ages, there’s a pretty good chance they might elevate her all the way up to Snow White status. Seriously, she’s got a pet dragon and a boyfriend who makes his own shining armor–it doesn’t get any more Princess than that.
Plus, she comes with her own “Snow White”-ish retinue of mutants: Wolvie, Stormy, Crawly, Baldy, Snooty, Blinky and Doc…tor Henry McCoy.
OPTION 7: FASHION DESIGNER
Or maybe not.
OPTION 8: HEAVY METAL ICON
We’ve already mentioned this, but in case it bears repeating: Kitty Pryde has a pet dragon from space. That’s the most metal accessory since Blackie Lawless’s buzzsaw-blade codpiece, and if you throw a couple of umlauts over the Y, Kitty Prÿde totally sounds like a super-aggressive post-feminist thrash band. Combine that with the fact that she generally hangs out with a dude who has knives stuck in his hands, and you’re halfway to Ozzfest.
OPTION 9: MIME
There’s no doubt in our minds that Kitty would be perfectly suited for a career in entertainment–we have the sneaking suspicion that she’s the exact kind of girl Academy Award-winning screenwriter Diablo Cody is looking to put in her movies–but the trick is finding something that’ll keep her attention for the year or so before she loses interest and goes to do something else.
We suggest the French art of Mime, if for no other reason than that it would be absolutely hilarious to see her trying not to phase through the invisible wall.