New Year’s Resolutions For Your Favorite Super-Heroes (By Their Writers)
In case you missed the ball getting dropped in Times Square last Friday, it’s a New Year, and that means it’s time for people all over to set their goals for the next twelve months. But we normal folks aren’t the only ones making New Year’s Resolutions, and while comic book characters tend to go less for things like “hit the gym more often” and “quit smoking” and more for stuff like “eradicate all crime” and “utterly destroy the accursed Mr. Fantastic,” they’re not above the desire for self-improvement.
So to find out just what our favorite heroes wanted to accomplish in 2011, we went straight to the source and reached out to the creators who write their comics. So today, we’re getting in the spirit of new beginnings by bringing you Ten Comic Book Character New Year’s Resolutions, from as close as you can get to the characters themselves!
“I resolve to be a little more selective about what trophies I put in the Fortress of Solitude. Do I really need to have the world’s biggest ball of twine?”
“Indulge in pie / cake more often. More time with friends (make time by beating up bad guys quicker). Work out more often in order to lose weight gained by decadent pie frenzies. Travel (on planes… not just swinging from ropes, as per usual). Think up awesome catch-phrase to say in battle. Get a driver’s license (or at least a learner’s permit) for the Silver Surfer’s surfboard. Borrow it. Paint it red. ”
“I’m currently trying to prevent the Chaos King from destroying the entirety of creation itself. So my New Year’s resolution is to still exist after Chaos War #5 comes out next week.”
“Hello Internet Humans!
I’ve been asked for my new year resolution, which has left me in something of a quandary. “Resolution”. What kind of word is “Resolution”? Sounds like the sort of staid, boring word that only a Coldplay fan would embrace. Stodgy dependency! Predictability! Record-collector Rock! Dylan Documentaries! People Requesting Songs They’re Not Going To Dance To Because They’re Not Going To Dance To Anything Because THEY HAVE SATAN IN THEIR LIMBS WEIGHING IT DOWN WITH SELF HATRED! AND THEY’RE RIGHT TO SELF HATE! IF I WAS THEM, I’D HATE MYSELF TOO! And the sooner the depression gets so intense they feel compelled to saw off their own limbs and bleed their worthless self out all over the place, the better.
So I reject resolution. Instead, for 2010 I suggest you embrace flightiness, impulsiveness and general mayfly emotions. Be a Grasshopper, because Ants can’t dance and Grasshoppers carry their own music in their legs wherever they go. Just like me. Iphone, back-pocket, problem solved!
p.s. Silent girl has a message to. She told me to say “”. So there you go. Bye!”
“I’m gonna knock down something BIG this year. I mean CRAZY BIG. Don’t know what, but I’ll know it when I see it. And then Cage and everybody better clear outta my way ’cause BAMM!!! Ha, ha. Good times.”
“I resolve to find my invisible jet in 2011.”
“In 2011 I want to profit from Rick Remender, Tony Moore and Jerome Opeña’s Marvel work via a continued healthy increase in trade sales.”
“I wouldn’t mind spending a little less time with my family.”
“This year, I’m going to be more careful about who I eat. Last month I ate the brain of a guy with, shall we say, ‘questionable’ taste in dining, and spent four weeks fighting the urge to gorge myself on McRib sandwiches. Eating brains is one thing, but who KNOWS what is in THOSE things?!”
“[I found this note under Tick's pillow taped to a Ziploc bag full of teeth--not sure where THOSE came from. Anyway, for ease of legibility, I edited this heavily for spelling and punctuation, but it's otherwise untouched. Make of it what you will. --Arthur]
FAO: Happy, the New Year’s Baby
CC: Father Time; Tempestt Bledsoe, Queen of the Future
Dear Mr the New Year’s Baby,
I have been very good this year. Some have said I was better this year than I have been since 1994. [No one has said this. --Arthur] I maintain that I have never been less than the peak of excellence, but I have chosen magnanimously to accept the compliment. As a result, I am hoping you will grant all my resolutions this year. These are the things I would like to see resolved in the year Twenty Hundreds and Eleven Ones:
1) Are there some Bigfoots? Arthur says no, but he also said I couldn’t show up unannounced and uninvited for dinner at Hoda Kotb’s house, but I think we both know who won that bet.2) In an all out brawl for picnic side dish dominance, who would win: Cole slaw or potato salad? This one keeps me up nights.
3) What is the ending to the movie Xanadu? I rented it to find out, but before I finished, I decided to resolve last year’s question, “What would happen if I filled the VCR with pennies?”
4) Infant werewolves. I know they won’t be a problem until they are teens, but I’d like to go ahead and nip that one in the butt.
Okay, that’s all I can think of. If my natural goodness is not enough to merit all my resolutions, I have enclosed a 20% coupon to JoAnn Fabric to sweeten the pot.