‘Oglaf': The Best Sexy Fantasy Comic You Can’t Read at Unsexy Work
I admit it: I was a preteen fantasy addict. You could always find twelve-year-old me nose-deep in some tale of dragons and elven princesses and gloomy undead knights (kids these days have Edward Cullen; I had Lord Soth). Whenever I got to one of the saucier parts, my heart would skip a beat, and I would race to my mother to smirkingly read the (in retrospect, awfully tame) passage aloud. Oglaf (très NSFW), on the other hand is the real raunchy deal, taking familiar fantasy tropes to their logically sexy conclusions.Fairy tale kisses lead to heavy enchanted petting. Chosen One heroes discover their mystical powers through masturbation. Winter can only end when someone satisfies the Snow Queen -- a hazardous proposition for the tongues and genitalia involved. And one sad sack sorceress's apprentice must past through a hilarious gauntlet of sexual repression, unwanted homoerotic advances and other forms of mystosexual torment.
Each Sunday, the Oglaf creators Trudy Cooper and Doug Bayne gift the Internet with some fresh perversion. There are quick hit, one-to-three-page comics that run the gamut from clean and clever spoofs on the fantasy genre to terrifying acts of non-Euclidian sexuality that are best viewed in the privacy of your own boudoir.
But there are also a slew running gags and characters: a conquistador and his companion seek the Fountain of Youth, only to find every other magical fountain in existence; the aforementioned bedroom mishaps of the sexually frustrated Snow Queen; shapeshifting creatures who can't quite figure out which body parts are supposed to do what; a busty brigand who has the courtesy to give you a handjob as she steals your keys; and plenty of frogs and beautiful maidens whose meetings don't go quite as Grimm intended. When the jokes are sexy, they're omnisexual: man/man, man/woman, woman/woman, man/elf, man/shape-stealing sprite, even woman/centaur. That last one doesn't go nearly as badly as you'd expect.
What sets Oglaf far above other raunchy comics is that it isn't just one of the best sexy comics online; it's also one of the best fantasy comics online. The creators are clearly students of the fantasy genre, and the simple premise of Oglaf is that the people of the fantasy world -- with all of their access to magic and monsters -- are just as pervy as people in the real world. Horniness is the hot mother of invention, and sometimes that invention is a wizard who transform himself into a catsuit or shape shifters who open a really terrible brothel.
Nowhere is this endless capacity for innovation on display more than in Oglaf's main storyline. The character who shows up most frequently in Oglaf is also the one who benefits least from its sexual acrobatics. Ivan is apprenticed to an evil sorceress who prefers pasties to wearing an actual shirt, and has forbidden her charge from ejaculating. To this end, she has enchanted Ivan's semen and created Oglaf's greatest contribution to the fantasy genre: the cumsprite. Whenever Ivan caves in to self pleasure (not difficult when one of your jobs is oiling down the succubi), a cumsprite escapes from his exhausted member, squeals, "I'm telling!" and races back to his mistress, ending its life in glory by splashing onto her décolletage. It's funny every single time it happens, and as Ivan's story progresses he manages occasionally to find uses for his tattletaling emissions.
But Ivan's woes go far beyond his onanistic misadventures. His mistress agrees to bed him -- if he can find his magically disappeared penis quickly enough. When a debauched elven diplomat visits his mistress, Ivan finds himself constantly dodging the man's aggressive advances, and when Ivan says "No," all the ambassador hears is "dream up an elaborate scheme to trick me into sucking your junk."
A strange series of events involving a poorly labeled "Incense of Bad Decisions" leaves Ivan haunted by the ghost of a chameleon who reminds him of every terrible thing he's ever done in his life. When Ivan is forced to flee the sorceress's castle, he lands in a strange town filled with virgins who ironically brand him that most fearsome creature, the slut. Suffice it to say, things never end well for Ivan.
Ivan's plotline refers less to established fantasy tropes than many of the installments, and each fresh torture is a tribute to the creators' fantastically funny imagination. It's clear why, as the comic progresses, Ivan finds himself in longer and more intricate stories. Just when he's become inured to the routine horror of the sorceress's castle, the creators find some new way to send him into deer-in-the-headlights terror. Still, not every Oglaf story is so deliciously mean. An oddly sweet set of comics features the titular Oglaf, a shepherd boy whose magical semen pronounces him the Chosen One (pity he can't read). And you've never seen a cute yeti until you've seen an Oglaf yeti drinking tea.
Oglaf is available online (and don't forget to mouse over the comics bonus jokes), as well as in a print volume from TopatoCo.