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The Horrors of Fandom: ‘The Top 10 Hottest Female Sonic the Hedgehog Characters’

Like a lot of people who read comic books, I think it’s pretty fair to say that I can get a little obsessive over things. I am, after all, a dude who has written thousands upon thousands of words about how much I wish Batman would be my best friend forever and ever enjoy the craftsmanship that has contributed to the greater Batman mythos.

There are, however, some elements of fandom that continue to mystify me, and the fact that I just flat out don’t get them makes them fascinating. Which is why last night, one of my friends (whose status as a “friend” is now drawn sharply into question) sent me a link to a video where a young (?) man laid out a list of The Top Ten Hottest Female Sonic the Hedgehog Characters.


No matter how weird you think this is going to be with that title, I assure you, it’s even weirder. Not just because it’s someone’s list of the most bangable marmosets — that’s hardly rare, and comprised at least 63% of LiveJournal before the advent of Harry Potter slash fiction — but… well, everything. And it goes on for ten minutes.

Needless to say, it’s one of those things that I immediately had to start getting other people to watch so that we could try to comprehend it together, and now, I’m sharing it with you. Catch the whole, utterly insane video right now:

This thing somehow manages to go off the rails of sanity within the first thirteen seconds. Far be it from me to criticize someone’s opinion (okay, okay, I actually do that all the time) and you’re certainly entitled to think that Sonic’s great, but one of the most attractive characters ever thought up? That’s an appellation I honestly never considered, and I can only assume that our host is really, really into red shoes with white stripes. And given what comes next, I don’t think that’s too far off.

Before we get to the list, though, I just want it on the record that I also take issue with the idea that “the Sonic universe might also be classified as hot chick heaven.” I will, however, give props to “speaking of females,” because that is one sweet segue, bro.

First up, we have Amy Rose, a character that I’m not familiar with because I made the correct decision to stop playing Sonic games when they stopped being about running around and collecting rings and started being about Sonic’s Gang of Amazing Friends That Were Not Sonic The Hedgehog But You Still Have To Play As Them For Like Five Stupid Levels. And I have to say, our host makes a compelling argument for this choice:

“Two things that make her attractive are the fact that she wears a dress and when have you ever seen three big very smooth arcs of hair sticking out of a person’s forehead?”

Those are certainly… well, it’s hard to argue with, that’s for sure. And amazingly, that is not the most insane phrasing in this video. No, that comes a few moments later, during a discussion of “Vanilla the Rabbit,” who is apparently Cream the Rabbit’s mother. Incidentally, there is a character in Sonic the Hedgehog named Cream the Rabbit. Anyway:

“She’s attractive and is the size of an average human mother.

That’s it. We are now past the point where I understand anything about what’s going on here. And there’s still six more minutes to go.

In addition to this video, there are also several responses and commentaries floating around YouTube, including one that I saw where a very angry young (?) woman (?) speaking through pictures of Shadow Link from The Legend of Zelda took our host to task for a) focusing on physical attractiveness without dealing with the ladies’ personalities, and b) not sticking to established and approved official Sonic the Hedgehog canon.

Guys… that’s a fight like Aliens vs. Predator. No matter who wins… we lose.

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