Speed Dating in the Marvel Universe [Original Art]
It’s a sad fact of a super-hero’s life that saving the world doesn’t leave a whole lot of time for a social life. Time and time again, relationships have been ruined when super-heroes have chosen “fight then team up” over “dinner and a movie,” and actually starting a relationship is even worse. It’s hard to make a good impression when you’re having to excuse yourself to go web-slinging in the middle of the appetizers.
But we here at ComicsAlliance think our favorite super-heroes deserve to find love, and that’s why today, webcomic wunderkind Max Huffman and I have decided to see what would happen if we sent them into the most efficient way to build a relationship. So put on your name-tag, set the timer for five minutes, and get ready for Speed Dating in the Marvel Universe!
“You look great, but I’ve got to tell you, I haven’t exactly had a lot of luck with blondes. I mean, really, I haven’t had good luck with redheads or brunettes either, but blondes, yeesh. Well here’s hoping you’re the one I finally get lucky with! Wait, no, I mean… not lucky like that, just lucky that you don’t fall off a… can we start over? Okay. Well, I’m sort of between jobs and that makes getting the rent pretty hard, but it’s like I always say, action is my reward, and I get plenty of action. I mean, fighty-type action! Not lady-action! That’s…Wow. I’m actually so bad at this that my Spider-Sense is tingling.
Wait, I — no! Come back! That wasn’t a euphemism!”
“Listen, I know I just sat down, but this isn’t going to work out. I mean, don’t get me wrong, you’re at least an eight, maybe an eight and a half in the right lighting, but Johnny Storm is strictly for the tens. But just so you don’t go away too broken-hearted, check it: One official autographed headshot of Yours Truly. It’s even personalized, if you just, you know, write your name in there at the top.
Hey, you’re actually really cute when you’re mad. Still not a ten, but I think I’ve got a friend who might like you. How do you feel about rock-climbing?”
“Before you say anything, yes: They’re real. And yes, the accent does make me even hotter. And yes, I do know what you’re thinking, and no, we won’t be doing that tonight. Or that. Or that. And especially not that.
Maybe that, but only if you keep not talking.”
“Oh, my jacket? Thanks, it’s sort of based on something Janet used to wear before she died. It’s — Oh, she’s my ex-wife. Yeah, well, we’d actually gotten back together right before. See, we, ah, broke up because I was sort of going through… well, I guess you’d call it a bad time in my life and — actually, let’s not talk about that. You do sort of resemble her, though, if you’d… have you ever thought of doing your hair in a bob? Sorry, sorry, I know. I’m new back to the dating scene. Let’s talk about something else.
Did you know that queen ants can mate up to ten times while flying? I’ve got a jet outside if you want to try it Ant-Style.”
“I wanna have babies!“
“You are the one spoken of in the prophecies of the Askani as the one who will bring light to the dark tomorrow, the one who will inspire hundreds in the endless battle against the evil me. You are more important to the future of this world than you have ever expected, and your role in the beginning of all things begins now, as we cabslide back to your place and get freaky. Future freaky.”
“Actually, no. I don’t like picnics in the park.”
“YOU’LL NEED TO BE THERE AT SIX! NO, NOT SIX TONIGHT, SIX TOMORROW MORNING! WHY YES, THAT IS A STRANGE TIME FOR A DATE; THAT’S BECAUSE I DON’T NEED A DATE. I NEED A SECRETARY, BECAUSE MISS BRANT DECIDED THAT HAVING HER APPENDIX OUT THIS WEEK WAS MORE IMPORTANT THAN ASSISTING ME IN KEEPING AMERICA’S LAST BASTION OF JOURNALISTIC INTEGRITY RUNNING, AND SINCE YOU YOUNG PEOPLE ARE TOO LAZY TO READ THE CLASSIFIEDS LIKE HONEST WORKERS ANYMORE, THIS WAS THE ONLY WAY I COULD FIND SOMEONE TO INTERVIEW. CONGRATULATIONS, YOU’RE HIRED, AND IF THERE AREN’T FOUR POTS OF BLACK COFFEE ON MY DESK TOMORROW MORNING AT SIX FIFTEEN, YOU’RE FIRED. TALK TO JANICE IN PAYROLL, SHE’S OVER AT TABLE NINE.”
“Hail, Jenny of Midgard! Forgive my young friend, for he knows not the proper way to pitch woo to so fair a maiden as yourself, and thus he has recruited I, Volstagg the Valiant, to be his comrade-in-arms in this swift campaign to conquer thy heart! Know you that the Son of Odin did remark unto me this very evening as we entered that thine eyes to him recalled visions of his cherished Toothgrinder, as fine a beast as any would lay claim to in the Golden Realm!
Let romance now flourish between thy lips, as the Lion of Asgard doth depart to avail himself of yon ‘Free Buffet!’ Ever shall the Wings of Buffalo rival even mine own beloved Gudrun’s cooking. Fare thee well, Jenny, and may they sing forever of thy goat-like eyes!”