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‘Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark’ Gains Sentience, Hungers For The Flesh Of the Living

Over the past three years, Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark has suffered through a staggering array of problems ranging from constant delays of its opening to the departure of director Julie Taymor to cast members being injured during the musical’s complex stunts. Unfortunately, it now looks like the $65,000,000 production has finally hit a snag from which it won’t be able to recover: Having tasted the flesh of stuntmen, Turn Off The Dark has gained sentience and will most likely attempt to devour us all.

A representative of New York’s Foxwoods Theater has confirmed that Turn Off The Dark has gained “a malevolent presence,” the likes of which not seen since Andrew Lloyd Webber’s disastrous musical comedy version of “The King In Yellow,” which opened a dimensional rift to a world of freakish cat-people who terrorized Broadway for eighteen years, receiving mostly positive reviews.Problems finally reached a head early Friday morning as the musical’s sets came to life in an attempt to devour the flesh of everyone in the theater, with the sound of thousands of souls in torment echoing loud enough to be heard outside, a testament to the excellent acoustics in the Foxwoods.

Production has been temporarily suspended, and while Reeve Carney (Peter Parker/Spider-Man), Jennifer Damiano (Mary Jane) and Patrick Page (The Green Goblin) escaped unscathed, several more stunt performers were injured as the play drew upon heretofore unknown eldritch energies in an effort to reveal the human race for the fragile insignificance that it is.

“I got a busted ankle,” said lead stuntman Al Hazard, “And that’s gonna be six weeks in a cast plus a month of physical therapy, so that’s money out of my wallet. And my pal Johnny, hell, he got sucked into a glowing portal and came out as some kinda weird-ass fish-man. He’s still pretty good at the acrobatics, but I’ll be damned if those upside-down eyelids aren’t starting to creep me right the hell out.”

“In retrospect, we should’ve seen this coming,” claimed the Foxwoods representative, who preferred not to give his true name lest Turn Off The Dark come for him in his dreams “We had guys literally falling out of the sky while playing ‘The Boy Fell From The Sky.’ When Bono showed up last week with his new closing number, ‘The Great Beast From Out of Time Rises To Spread His Thousand Young From The Realm of Death,’ we probably shouldn’t have even tried rehearsing it. At first, we thought it was a hoax… I mean, we all figured that there was no possible way that this many things could go wrong without someone planning it, right?”

When reached for comment, Bono told a reporter “He comes” and then turned into thirteen snakes before slithering away.

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