Utterly Disturbing Super-Hero Fetus Sculptures Are Things That Exist
Fun fact about the ComicsAlliance editorial staff: They exist for the sole purpose of making me suffer in new ways every day. Or at least, that’s the theory I’m working with ever since our own Caleb Goellner sent me a link to an article at io9 about the sculptures of artist Alexandre Nicolas, depicting some of our favorite super-heroes as costumed fetuses. The sculptures were recently exhibited in Paris, and they are probably the most inexplicable things I have ever seen in my entire life — and I say that as someone who’s seen Sonic the Hedgehog fan-art on the Internet. Have a look at the entire thing, along with my job-mandated commentary, after the cut!First up, we have Superman, who has a truly disturbing amount of hair for a fetus:
For me, this one is far and away the least disturbing, as I grew up with the Superman of the ’80s and thus have already come to terms with thinking of young Kal-El being rocketed to Earth in a “Kryptonian Birthing Matrix.”
Wonder Woman, however, is way off:
For one thing, so much hair, but more importantly, this sculpture is clearly violating established continuity! Wonder Woman was sculpted from clay and animated by the Gods! She was never a fetus, let alone a fetus in some weird rectangular Phantom Zone womb! But… wait, is this reflecting her new origin from the DC Reboot? I am so confused.
Batman, however, doesn’t even make sense:
I mean, how can he be a fetus if his entire reason for being is that is parents were killed? And more importantly, how the hell did a bat get up in there and inspire him to wear that costume? Where did it come from?!
It gets even worse with Spider-Man:
How did… I mean… do some ladies have radioactive spiders up in their parts?
Catwoman reminds me a lot of my sister…
…in that they were both apparently born with a tail.
I will confess that I think the Silver Surfer is actually pretty interesting:
Mostly because he’s got a tiny little prenatal surfboard in there, too. And in a related story, I’m definitely going to be starting a rockabilly punk band called Prenatal Surfboard.
The Thing, however, is flat-out hard to look at:
I mean, as a fetus, these things are meant to actually come out of someone, right? Just thinking about a baby being born just straight up covered in rocks is making me shudder so bad I can barely type. Seriously, it’s Caesarean Time!
Finally, we have The Incredible Hulk, and oh my god it has muscles I am barfing everywhere
Why, Caleb? What sin could a man commit in a single lifetime to deserve this? Why?
The worst part, though, is that of all the characters that Nicolas picked for his exhibit, he didn’t do the one that would actually work perfectly: Paranex, the Fighting Fetus!
Yes, that is an actual comic book character — one of the, ah, lesser creations of the legendary Jack Kirby, from 1981’s short-lived Captain Victory and his Galactic Rangers. Sure, he doesn’t quite have the name recognition as, say, Batman, but you can’t deny that he’s the most appropriate character for the subject matter.
You said it, Captain Victory. You said it.
For more from the exhibit, check out Phonogalerie.com on Flickr.