There’s a river of sweat running down your back, abandoned cars spontaneously bursting into flames everywhere you go, swarms of insects trying to lay their eggs in you, and the threat of being mauled by gangs of feral dogs is more real than ever. That’s right, folks, it’s summer! And you know what that means – home buying season is officially here! With foreclosures at an all-time high, Norman Osborn’s downfall, and the temporarily permanent return of the deceased, the fictional housing market is so dead it’s breaking down into liquids. Which means there’s never been a better time to buy!
Won’t you join us for our cross-dimensional Summer Tour of Superhero Homes? Of course you will. Grab your buying partner, shove as much free literature as you can into your fannypacks, and try not to breathe too many “fresh baked cookies” fumes, because it is just poison.
First up on tour is the very definition of “stately” – Wayne Manor! Located in Crest Hill, just a few miles outside of Gotham City, so you have all the access to shopping and entertainment without being subjected to the rape, carnage, facial mutilation, sociopathy or impromptu acid baths of city life. Pre-Civil War (the real one) construction, it has been rebuilt here and there, after a few fires, some explosions, hostile takeovers, and complete destruction in a massive earthquake that killed hundreds of people, children, and puppies. Takes a licking and keeps on ticking, dudnit? The house does come with all the furniture here, including a faux grandfather clock that opens a secret passageway into the bowels of the estate. Fun for the kids! If you can’t find a babysitter, just lock ’em in the clock and they get lost for hours and hours in the moody intestines of this Gothic beauty. And do you like birds? Good. Bats are just birds, folks.
Hey there, playboys! What ladies man is complete without his own swinging bachelor pad? Make this million-dollar-a-month Manhattan penthouse your home and you’ll be drowning in it, handsome. One hundred percent scotch-guarded and stain proof, this multi-mirrored beaver trap of the future is the perfect place to find that future-ex-missus and her daring friend. The memories you’ll make! Bash those regrets away with the alcohol-serving system Wired magazine called “sick,” anywhere you like! Besides the fully-loaded state of the main bar, there’s a side bar, backup bar, bedroom bar, four mini-bars, three secret mini-bars, and a bag of toilet wine in each of the two-point-five bathrooms. Festive, right?
Got a future dictator in the works? Looking to add a little regimen to your life? You’ll be happy to hear that space has recently become available in Latveria’s Doom Castle! Now it’s very important during this part of our tour that you don’t litter, okay? Off we go. Nestled in the hills of Doomstadt, overlooking the Kline River, this 11th-century… okay, guys? Seriously. No littering… Latveria boasts the lowest crime rate in-what? … I know it’s in your hand, I’m just saying, don’t litter. Put it in your pocket or something. Please. Now there’s a fun little exercise room in the basement, fully equipped with spiked medicine balls, some, uh, isometric chains attached to the walls, and if you’ll notice, the temperature dial on the “dry sauna” goes all the way to fif-teen hundred! Why jog when you can burn the fat away and make candles with it?
Horror fans rejoice! Just beyond the borders of The Dreaming (i.e. gay friendly) this quaint cottage offers free room and board in perpetuity in exchange for stories. So if you’re the talkative type, looking for a little adventure, and aren’t bothered by centaurs, demigods, faeries, Biblical stories played out over and over again, plots to steal your name, talking animals, living shadows, sentient knives, soul-scabies, disembodied spirits of pure malice, and never being allowed to leave, then this is the place for you! Just look at that brain-melting exterior!
Dr. Strange’s Sanctum Sanctorum
Calling all hipsters! Looking for that mad pad to get together with some mellow folks for your bi-weekly Be-in? Look no further, crazy cat, ‘cuz this kitschy castle with the quirky history is the perfect wet for your noodle! Located in Greenwich Village, the most happening place to be in New York (in 1956), this “holy of holies” was built over a convergence of several ley lines, and was once a site for pagan rituals! Throw in a black light and a lava lamp, and you’ve got the perfect place to tune in, turn on, drop out, fall into a sideways dimension, become one with the ocean of existence, and still maintain a position of authority over an inferior race!
Manservant not provided.
Daredevil’s Manhattan Brownstone.
Unique fixer-upper. Fully handicapped-equipped.