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The 6 Most ‘Realistic’ Moments In “Kick-Ass”

Yesterday, we pointed our readers to an article where “Kick-Ass” co-creator Mark Millar claimed that unlike other stories, where there had “never been a superhero comic set in the real world,” he and John Romita Jr. were “now showing superheroes as real people for the first time.”

Some of our readers may consider this to be the product of a hype machine so shameless that it could give even Stan Lee tips on hucksterism or rattle off a llitany of comics that treat super-heroes in a fashion that’s just as realistic (or moreso) than “Kick-Ass,” but the ComicsAlliance staff knows better. If Mark Millar says it, it’s gotta be true. That’s why today, we’re backing up his claims with a look at The Six Realest Moments In “Kick-Ass!”

#6: Breaking Your Back Makes You Stronger

In the second issue, the title character beats up three gangsters (handily identified as “Puerto Ricans”) by waving around what appear to be nightsticks wrapped in electrical tape, despite the fact that each one is about twice his size. And he has no formal combat training whatsoever. And he is doing this “as soon as I was off the crutches” from an earlier incident that left him with “a broken back and two broken legs,” “a ruptured spleen, one collapsed lung and head trauma.”

It’s a little-known real-world scientific fact that massively traumatic injuries actually leave you stronger and more physically capable than you were before!

#5: Little Girls Are Incredibly Powerful Killing Machines

One of the book’s breakout characters is, of course “Hit Girl,” a skinny eleven-year-old girl who looks to weigh somewhere around 45 pounds, and who–in a fit of Millar’s signature realism–is constantly cutting people down with a pair of katanas that she often wields one-handed. In addition to the standard-issue decapitations and limb-severings, Hit Girl also effortlessly bisects skulls and chops people clean in half.

The layman may be under the impression that the laws of physics would make this impossible, but as top medical scientists have agreed as recently as 1453, little girls are actually made of an alloy comprised of sugar, spice, and high-tensile littlegirlium, a substance capable of storing and unleashing incredible amounts of kinetic energy. In fact, in an effort to go green, many hospitals have done away with sternal saws previously used for bone-cutting, and instead just schedule “take your daughter to work day” every time there’s a need for brain surgery.

#4: Kevlar Makes You Invincible

In another highly realistic scene, Hit Girl is shot seven times at point-blank range, which knocks her out a second-story window. She later returns, none the worse for wear, because she’s wearing a skin-tight layer of Kevlar.

Kevlar, of course, is a miracle fabric so strong that a layer the thickness of a t-shirt can stop a .50 caliber bullet from less than six inches away, and which also functions as as short-distance parachute. This is why, as students of history will no doubt recall, firearms were rendered completely obsolete after its invention, and why all wars are now waged via Lazer Tag™.

#3: Little Girls Are Better Shots Than Professional Marksmen

Completing the Hit Girl Realisim Trifecta, there’s the scene where she — again, a tiny child — accurately shoots a pistol in each hand, scoring headshots on a roomful of bad guys.

Issues of recoil are, of course, negated by the littlegirlium factor, and while some so-called “experts” claim that accurate two-handed shooting is impossible even for the best shooters, people who are familiar with the work of documentary filmmaker John Woo know that this isn’t the case. The only question is why Hit Girl wasn’t chewing on the standard-issue toothpick or sliding down a banister.

#2: Sticks Are More Powerful Than Guns

After being tortured with electricity and beaten half to death, Kick Ass is able to defeat his nemesis, who has a gun, by hitting him with a stick.

We don’t even need to explain this one. Stick vs. Gun? Of course stick wins. That’s just how it works here in the real world.

And finally, the most realistic moment of the series…

#1: “Marvel 1985″ Is The Talk of Comic Book Shops

One of the many, many, many, many, many, many, many plugs for Marvel Comics that Millar’s able to work into his script in a way so seamless that they definitely don’t draw you out of the story is this one, where Millar has one of his characters talk about how interesting the premise of “Marvel 1985″ is.

The fact that Millar also wrote a comic called “Marvel 1985” is, of course, completely coincidental. With his dedication to realism, we’re absolutely certain that he’s simply faithfully reporting a conversation he overheard at his local shop.

Clearly, “Kick-Ass” is the most realistic comic ever, finally dethroning the previous holder of that title: “Ultimates 2.”

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