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It’s Official: The Thing Has a Rocky Orange, er, Thing

Settling one of the most juvenile yet compelling superhero debates that has raged across generations, Marvel Comics architect Stan Lee confirmed this week that Ben Grimm, better known to Fantastic Four fans as the monstrous The Thing, does indeed have a penis made of orange rock.

We imagine there are a lot of senior comic book fans trying to send telegrams right now, demanding satisfaction for wagers made in the last century.Stan Lee made this determination in response to a question in a — get this — interview with Vanity Fair. Writer Eric Spitzangel, who confessed his fanboy leanings at the head of the piece, just could not control himself and invoked Lee’s memorable appearance in Kevin Smith’s Mallrats, where a violently nerdy character put the question to the Thing co-creator himself. Lee declined to answer the question in the film, but kudos to Spitzangel for wearing the old man down more than 15 years later.

“I guess common sense would say it was made of orange rock too,” said Lee.

Never one to let a perfectly sensational remark go to waste, Lee doubled-down on the shock and awe and confirmed that Reed Richards — the elastic superhero also known as Mr. Fantastic — is also in possession of a mutated phallus.

“I always thought it was more interesting to think about Reed Richards. As you know, he had the ability to stretch, and sexually, that would seem to be a great asset in many areas,” said Lee, as only he can.

With that settled, comics fandom must now turn its focus on the remaining superhero sex questions, like whether Lois Lane can carry a a Kryptonian baby to term — which she can’t, according to lauded science fiction author Larry Niven, as he explained in unintentionally hilarious, mild-mannered fashion in the 1981 documentary, Superman: The Comic Strip Hero, which you can watch right here on ComicsAlliance.

[Topless Robot, Blastr]

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