With Marvel’s “Hulked Out Heroes” just over the horizon — and one of its stars, Hulkpool, introduced in this week’s “World War Hulks #1 — we here at ComicsAlliance are pretty excited about the possibilities. But even in the face of a series whose covers promise hulked-up versions of the Thing, Spider-Man and even Devil Dinosaur, we can’t help but acknowledge that there’s no way we’re going to get everyone, be they villains or just obscure heroes. It’s just not possible.
But that won’t stop us from dreaming! So today, ComicsAlliance’s Chris Sims brings us the six unlikely characters we want to see as Hulks!
After last month’s celebrations
, it shouldn’t come as any surprise that ComicsAlliance wants more M.O.D.O.K., but really: There would be nothing better than a giant-headed Hulk flying around smashing things with his tiny, tiny hulked-out arms. Seriously, try to imagine that without smiling. I dare you.
What’s more, out of everything on our list, this one actually has the most chance of happening. Not only has MODOK been a crucial part of the “Fall of the Hulks” storyline so far, but “H.O.H.” writer Jeff Parker has been a key creator in the post-2000 MODOK Renaissance thanks to his work on “Marvel Adventures Avengers” #9, which featured a MODOK’d version of the Hulk.
And c’mon, how hard would it be to reverse that to give us the Hulked Up Lifeform Knowingly Designed Only for Killing?
#5: ROCKET RACER
If the decision on who to turn into a Hulk is based purely on what would be awesome–and really, I can’t see any reason why it wouldn’t
be–then what could possibly be better than a gamma-powered Rocket Racer? I mean, I’d pay to see a gigantic Hulk with a gravity-defying rocket-powered skateboard duct-taped to each foot rampaging through Manhattan if that was the only thing in this crossover, let alone a team-up with Devil Dinosaur and the Two-Gun Kid.
#4: HYPNO -HUSTLER
And while we’re on the subject of sadly overlooked Spider-Man villains, I’m pretty sure “Hulked Out Heroes” would be the perfect venue for the long-awaited, fan-demanded return of the Hypno Hustler. For those of you unfamiliar with him, the Hypno-Hustler was essentially a mind-controlling Jimi Hendrix who rolled with an all-girl group of svengaliettes with the actually fantastic name of the Mercy Killers
, and, to quote his Wikipedia entry, “His boots can emit knockout gas on demand.” That might not the best
thing Bill Mantlo ever wrote about, but it’s probably in the top three.
At this point, giving him Hulk powers might seem like gilding the hypnotic disco lily, but it’d be worth the overkill just to see what kind of music the Hulk would pound out on a hot pink guitar. I’m guessing thrash metal.
When you think about it, the Hulk’s physical appearance can pretty much just be broken down into three distinct parts: He’s big, he’s green, and he wears increasingly improbable purple clothing. So really, Galactus is two thirds of the way there already.
#2: J. JONAH JAMESON
If the Hulk’s near-infinite strength is powered by anger, then I’m pretty sure that a J. Jonah Jamehulk would be able to crack the entire planet in half with a single well-place stomp. The guy is angry
. So angry that he once bought a killer robot with a TV screen for a head and sent it out to murder one of his employees–and he’s considered one of the more normal
characters in the Marvel Universe.
Plus, much like the regular Hulk, Jameson has spent quite a bit of time yelling for a woman named Betty, although his reasons had less to do with romance and more to do with light filing and getting his coffee. So the question isn’t “will J. Jonah Jameson become a monster fueled by rage,” but “why haven’t they been coloring him green for the past forty years?”
Over the course of the past few years of Hulk stories, we’ve seen Green Hulk, Red Hulk, She-Hulk, Red She-Hulk, Cosmic Hulk, Sons of Hulk, New Hulk, Dark Hulk, and Space Hulk. So really, the only thing left is HULK HULK
The best stories ask questions that the readers aren’t sure how to answer, and for my money, there’s not a lot you can say about a question like “Whatcha gonna do, Marvel Universe, when Doublehulkamania runs wild on you?”