The Worst and Strangest Collectible Statues of 2009
While we focus on toys fairly often at ComicsAlliance, there’s another side of the comics collectibles world that we haven’t paid quite as much attention to: Statues. Significantly more expensive than the average toy with a price that often hits the triple digits, they’re a big investment, so choose wisely: The statues offered to comics and anime fans can run the gamut from elegant to downright creepy.
As 2009 draws steadily to a close and we say goodbye to another year of the Previews catalog offering us bizarre collectibles, we’ve turned to ComicsAlliance writer Chris Sims to shine a spotlight on the year’s worst, weirdest and most outright strange items from that most artistic representation of excess, the statue section.
Mine Yoshizaki’s Limit Gunz PVC Statue
Previews Says: The figure depicts both aspects of feminine beauty, both erotic and cute.
ComicsAlliance Says: This figure depicts both aspects of feminine beauty as imagined by the fever-dream madness of Japanese animation: Blue-haired schoolgirls and a gun that not only appears to be the bastard spawn of a keytar and a hoverboard, but is also large enough to put even the Liefeldian excesses of Cable to shame.
And speaking of Cable…
ComicsAlliance Says: [INSERT JOKE ABOUT LACK OF FEET HERE]
Dawn School’s Out Statue
Previews Says: This is one deity you’ll definitely want to keep after class.
ComicsAlliance Says: What’s that, grandpa? You say that there were once comics about Dawn, and not just statues and framed “fine art” prints? Sure, old man. Sure.
Anyway, Say what you want about the inherent creepiness of the statues imported from Japan (and don’t worry, we will), at least they’re up front about making sexy schoolgirl statues and don’t try to fool anyone with talk of reincarnated goddesses and grade-school innuendo that reads like something from a local furniture store commercial.
Previews Says: Asuka Langley Soryu, the Second Child and pilot of Evangelion Unit 02, stands balanced on one leg as she serves a tray of tea and cake.
ComicsAlliance Says: For as long as we’ve been reading “Previews,” there’s been merchandise tying into “Neon Genesis Evangelion” virtually every month. This time around, it’s two of the characters — who, as we understand it, are teenagers who use giant robot monsters to fight God — dressed up as waitresses in maid costumes, because hey, why not?
ComicsAlliance Says: This falls more into the “weirdest” category than the “worst,” as it’s actually really good as far as 3D likenesses of little-known Hulk villains go, even if BB’s lower half looks pretty depressed about being made into a mini-bust. Still, though: Really? The Bi Beast? Are there really that many fans of the Bi-Beast out there clamoring for Bi-Beast merchandise? [Ed note: At only $79.99!] Don’t get us wrong, we love strange Marvel characters as much as the next guy — or, to be honest, probably way more than the next guy — but this has got to be the most obscure, unlikely character they could’ve possibly picked to make a statue of–
ComicsAlliance Says: If you ever find yourself working at a comic book store and need something to cheer you up, wait for someone to buy this and then, as soon as the purchase is completed, remind them that depending on where you are, the sexy anime prostitute statue they just purchased represents either an extremely convincing transvestite (Japan) or a post-op transsexual (America). The kind of folks that purchase statues of sexy anime prostitutes tend to react in extremely entertaining ways to this news.
ComicsAlliance Says: Now, for only $169.99, you too can own a statue of Vampirella looking for the contact lenses she dropped! Also, is there anything creepier than a “sexy” statue with “real” hair?
Answer: Yes. See below.
ComicsAlliance Says: Uh… We might be wrong here, but we’re pretty sure that the August “Previews” was just straight up selling a dildo on a display base.
ComicsAlliance Says: If your desire to own a statue of a hot-but-stupid girl is so strong that you can’t just buy a statue of a hot girl and pretend she’s stupid, then perhaps you’d be interested in a statue of a hot girl actually doing something stupid, like forgetting that she’s wearing giant 1970s style headphones.
ComicsAlliance Says: On the off chance that you’ve got a pervert who isn’t into anime on your Christmas list, don’t worry: “Previews” has you covered. Just pick up a bust of a green woman in “realistic” (read: movable) fishnet leotard! Plus, as it serves as a reminder of what happens to a woman who won’t submit to her slavering obese overlord, it’ll look right at home propping up a shelf’s worth of “Gor” novels.
ComicsAlliance Says: “I know this is a hard time for you, son, but… where should we put the urn with your mother’s ashes?”
“On the mantle. Next to the statue of the cartoon girl who looks like she’s getting up from the toilet. Mom… Mom would’ve wanted it that way.”
ComicsAlliance Says: We’ve made a lot of jokes here tonight, but on a serious note, I’m sure we can all come together and agree that if you own this, you should probably be on some kind of watch list.
Fantasy Figure Gallery: Julie Bell “Golden Lover” PVC Statue
Previews Says: Brought to three dimensional life, woman and serpent stand nearly 8.25″ tall, their bodies melded together in a delicate, seductive embrace
ComicsAlliance Says: This is a statue of a woman having sex with a dragon. It retails for $80 and is meant to be displayed in your home. There is no joke we could possibly make here because this is an $80 statue of a woman having sex with a dragon that is meant to be displayed in your home.
Lest you think we’re entirely negative, it’s worth noting that not all the statues in Previews are as bad as the ones we’ve listed here. So which one’s the Best Statue of 2009?
Batroc the Leaper. The man. The myth. The mustache.
Elsewhere on the web:
9 Inappropriate Santas (I Am Bored)
Hysterical Retelling of “Christmas Shoes” (Gorilla Mask)
How You Train To Become A Real Ninja (Ask Men)
Zombie Hooker XXX-Mas (Adult Swim)