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DARPA Launches Projects “BaTMAN” and “RoBIN” (And Suggestions On What To Do Next)

As reported by io9, the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (the government agency responsible for developing the red lasers that keep us safe from the forces of COBRA even today) has recently launched two projects: “Biochronicity and Temporal Mechanisms Arising in Nature” and “Robustness of Biologically-Inspired Networks.” Or, to use DARPA’s own abbreviations, Projects BaTMAN and RoBIN.

I’ll be honest with you guys: I have no idea what these projects are meant to do, although that might just be because my knowledge of science is limited to the fact that you can reverse a starship’s polarity to get rid of space-parasites. The project names almost make me think that this is a shady government project headed up by Amanda Waller to genetically manipulate Terry McGinnis so that there will always be a Caped Crusader, but I’m pretty sure that it really just means that — and this is not really a surprise here — scientists, even defense scientists, are a bunch of nerds.

In an ideal world, this would just be the first step in the government’s Gotham City Initiative, creating a whole slew of projects named after Batman’s supporting characters with the goal of creating a more Batmanly world. And I’ve got some suggestions for just what they could do.


Project BATcAvE: Biological Adaptation to Tactically Advantageous Environments

Purpose: Advanced training and equipment designed to function properly in naturally occurring caverns beneath stately manors.
Proposed budget: $2.8 billion


Project JoKER: Jocular Kinesthesia with Expressive Respiration

Purpose: To weaponize nitrous oxide, commonly known as “laughing gas.”
Proposed budget: $1.4 billion

Project ALFrED: Advanced Laconic Formal Engagement Drone

Purpose: To create an independent robot capable of acting as medic, chef, and gentleman’s personal gentleman.
Proposed budget: $4.3 billion.


Project COMMISSIONERGORDON
: Criminal Organization Management and Mediation Involving Several Semi-Illegal Operatives Nocturnally Engaging Racketeers, Gunmen and Others Reporting to Deputized Official Noncombatants
,
Purpose: To create methods by which law-enforcement agencies can liase with skilled volunteers via color-coded telephones and modified spotlights.

Proposed budget: $3.1 billion

You can just go ahead and make the checks payable to “ComicsAlliance.”

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