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Ten New Year’s Resolutions From Your Favorite Superheroes

We are once again on the cusp of a new year,and that means that it’s time for the regular yearly round of societally mandated self-improvement, the New Year’s Resolution. But while you and I might resolve to get out more, lose a little weight, or drop a few bad habits, our favorite superheroes have made mistakes over the past year that have been just a little bit bigger.

As a result, their shots at bettering themselves tend to be a little bigger, too. So today, we’re checking in with a few characters to find out about our favorite superheroes’ New Year’s Resolutions for 2013!

“Next time I see that a murderous psychopath who wants to destroy everything I care about has cut off his face and tacked it up on the wall, I’m just going to throw it away. Why did I leave that thing up in a glass case for a whole year?” — Batman, Gotham City

“Base more of my sinister plans around the plots of John Woo movies. If Face/Off went this well, imagine how much destruction I can cause with Mission: Impossible III!” — The Joker, Arkham Asylum

“Try to stab fewer people in front of impressionable teenagers that I’m trying to teach about nonviolence. The total number of people I stab won’t decrease or anything, I’m just going to try not to do it in front of kids so much.” — Wolverine, Westchester, NY

“Go back to wearing that costume with the extra arms from back before Civil War. Extra arms are basically the coolest thing a dude can have… ladies.” — Spider-Man, New York, NY

“I resolve to make the most of my very first starring role in a crossover! This is Aquaman’s time to shine and remind everyone of why I’m one of DC’s most beloved and long-lasting characters: Because I’m a war-planning super-badass who can choke out Batman and who doesn’t talk to fish — wait, is this fan-fiction?” — Aquaman, Atlantis

“Learn some ‘cool’ new skating board moves! I already got the kneepads and approved safety equipment, so this ‘old dog’ is ready for ‘rad’ times with the kids!” — Captain America, New York, NY

“Make an appointment to go to the optometrist and get my eyes checked. For some reason, all the women around me look the same.” — Tony Stark, New York, NY

“Quit smoking, drinking and swearing so much. Keep in mind that these aren’t really resolutions, mate. More like new job requirements.” — John Constantine, London

“I’m going to try to be the Summers Brother who doesn’t kill his father figure. I mean, we’re pretty much out of them anyway, so it shouldn’t be too hard.” — Havok, New York, NY

“Lose 15 gigatons.” — Galactus, Deep Space

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