Original Spin 5: Going Commando [Marvel Original Sin Recap]
Inexplicably cleared in the phone hacking scandal, ComicsAlliance is back with the fifth installment of Original Spin, the only Original Sin recap that… exists, maybe? We don’t know! We haven’t done any research. That’s what makes us a name you can trust.
The Watcher is dead. Nick Fury is also dead. A bunch of disparate heroes spent four issues wandering around crime scenes before discovering they’re maybe all working for Nick Fury, who isn’t dead, and was maybe responsible for all those crime scenes, so.. what? The Watcher probably also won’t be dead, eventually. That’s the story so far. With issue #5… that’s… still the story, because nothing really happened. But here’s a recap anyway!
REVEALED: YET ANOTHER SECRET HISTORY OF… STUFF
Celebrity eyepatch menswear spokesmodel Nick Fury shocked the world last week with the release of his scandalous autobiography, Original Sin #5, ghost-written by Jason Aaron, Mike Deodato, and Frank Martin. He peeled back the curtain on the scandals and intrigue that lurk in the shadows of the superhero scene, unveiling a veritable Baxter Building Babylon of wild sex parties, debauched satanic rituals, and rampant drug use!
Probably. None of that is actually mentioned or alluded to in this issue. This issue focuses on the story of how Nick Fury was hired by Howard Stark to go around killing dangerous dudes for America. Sure, that sounds morally repugnant, but these were dangerous alien and extra-dimensional dudes. They weren’t, you know, American.
In a flashback that takes up the entire issue, Fury reveals how he witnessed a heroic spacesuit-wearing type named Woodrow McCord sacrifice himself to prevent an alien invasion in Kansas. (Kansas, you say? Aliens, you say? Aliens in Kansas, you say? Hrm. We get it, Marvel. We get it. You could try punching up once in a while, you know.)
Anyway, the point is; everything you read in Marvel Age is wrong! Made-up events in this fictional universe are being conceived and written out of publication sequence! Hang on to your jetpacks, kids! We’re in the narrative space age now and anything can happen!
Come to think of it, I guess that’s kind of the point of fiction.
STARKFURY: ONE DEAD, HUNDREDS INJURED, IN DEVASTATING HANDSOME-OFF
Swank moustachioed ’50s playboy Howard Stark and ruggedly suave retro superspy Nick Fury caused chaos across America earlier today when the two ludicrously handsome men came into direct contact somewhere in a Kansas field. At least one person was reported dead at the scene.
The critical levels of handsome were swiftly contained in an underground bunker, but too late to avoid incidences of uncontrolled swooning across America. Hundreds of men and women have been overcome by the sight of lavishly lacquered hair and the scent of sandalwood cologne. Sales of slightly boxy American-cut suit jackets skyrocketed so fast that thousands of yards of wool flannel spontaneously burst into flame.
In recognition of those who suffered, there will be no Sin Stunner in this edition of Original Spin.
SHOCK: ANT-MAN CONTINUES TO BE IN THIS STORY FOR SOME REASON
Seriously, why is Ant-Man in this story? It’s not even Hank Pym; it’s the crappy one. No, not the really crappy one. The regular crappy one.
Wait, no, you’re right, Hank Pym is the regular crappy one. So… the mid-level crappy one. Not the crappiest one, and not the regular crappy one, but the crappy one in between regular crappy and crappiest.
Scott Lang! Yes. Thank you. That one.
Why is he in this story?
NICK FURY: THREAT OR MENACE?
As reported earlier, ‘Going Commando’, the controversial new autobiography by Colonel Nicholas Jehoshaphat Fury, reveals that the sometime head of SHIELD has been moonlighting for decades as an assassin “protecting” the world from aliens and monsters. But can these summary off-the-books executions truly be seen as the actions of a hero?
In one memorable scene from his autobiography, Fury recounts how he was sent to take down a “man-spider” spotted in New York. Operating on nothing more than a hunch, Fury decided to let the “man-spider” live — a demonstration of his control over the situation.
Some have speculated that Fury may be behind the recent assassination of The Watcher, and we at Original Spin believe that we know why. The Watcher famously saw into alternate realities, to see the “what ifs” of worlds that might have been. It seems clear that, just as the man-spider turned out to be a superhero, so Fury’s other victims also all turned out to be great champions of justice — in the worlds in which they lived.
So we’d like to take a moment to honor the tragic loss of Friendly Neighbourhood Monster-Man:
The Worthy Warthorrg:
Abnegation, The Better Living Planet:
And Doctor Zsglarg, Sorcerer Extreme:
The Watcher alone knew the depths of Nick Fury’s crimes, and how he disregarded due process to go around shooting people in the head because “intel” told him to do it, thus robbing the world of its greatest heroes.
Thanks for all your hard work making the world a terrible place, Nick Fury.
Perhaps, in the end, we are the real monsters.
Ooh, that’s a good line. I’m going to write that down.
STARK JR’S YOUTHFUL REBELLION ACCIDENTALLY SPARKS HULK
Speaking of real monsters; in separate reports coming in from Original Sin: Hulk Vs Iron Man, by Mark Waid, Kieron Gillen, and Mark Bagley, it’s been revealed that Tony Stark, the slightly less handsome son of Howard Stark, has followed in his father’s footsteps in basically unleashing terrible horrors onto the world. Just as Howard gave us cold-blooded murderer Nick Fury, Tony was probably instrumental in the creation of the slightly less awful Incredible Hulk.
We have been unable to confirm at this time whether Maria Stark was somehow been responsible for the creation of Loki, or that Arno Stak is in fact, “the nice one.” But there are more Original Sin books still to come, so they’ll probably all be awful by the end of it.
Header graphic by Dylan Todd.