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Super-Self-Improvement: Your Favorite Comic Book Characters’ New Year’s Resolutions

It’s January, and as we look towards a new year, it’s time once again to set goals for self-improvement that we will inevitably fail to achieve and forget about somewhere around March.

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But we’re not the only ones who go through this time-honored ritual! Super-heroes are people too, which is why we’ve gotten ComicsAlliance contributor Chris Sims to bring us our favorite Comic Book Characters’ New Year’s Resolutions!

Superman resolves to actually appear in a comic book called “Superman.”

Spider-Man resolves to get serious about dating and find a nice girl to settle down with. Now if only he could choose between his fiery roommate, the nerd-hot forensic scientist, or the stacked, leather-clad blonde friend-with-benefits. It’s tough out there for a hard-luck hero, folks.

Green Lantern resolves to stop talking about how safe it is to keep our enemies’ dead bodies in a vault right underneath the dining room table, because really, that was just asking for it.

The Punisher resolves to take an anger management course. Nah, I’m just messin’ with you. He’s gonna shoot some dudes in the face.
The Doctor resolves to live like he’s in his twenties again.

Hulk resolve to be better dad. Hulk’s kids growing up without strong father figure, when Hulk should be strongest father figure there is!

Rorschach resolves to investigate further.

Stephanie Brown resolves to use her new role as Batgirl to finally bring some attention to the Plucky Teenage Blonde, a demographic so woefully overlooked in comics.

The Thing resolves to live every time like it’s Clobberin’ Time.

Magog resolves to spend more time hiding in bushes, only poking his head out to say “booyeah.” This is probably for the best.

Deadpool resolves to learn from the overexposure of the Punisher and Ghost Rider in the ’90s that led to those franchises needing complete reboots before anybody would read them again, and has decided to limit his appearances to a mere 37 per month.

Archie resolves to finally stop being so unfair to the girls and settle on Jughead Betty. Or maybe Veronica.

Cobra Commander resolves to stop trying to succeed with bizarre, outlandish plots like mind control chewing gum and ICBMs hidden at fast-foot restaurants and stick to operations with proven military value, like literally stealing Alaska and the long-awaited Cold Slither reunion tour.

Lois Lane resolves to stop spreading rumors about Lana, even though she heard Lana totally got a herpe after making out with Bizarro on Halloween.

J. Jonah Jameson resolves to DO NOTHING. RESOLUTIONS ARE FOR PEOPLE WHO NEED IMPROVEMENT! PEOPLE WHO SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS BUT WHOSE NAMES RHYME WITH “FETTY FRANT” WHO DON’T SEEM TO UNDERSTAND THAT WHEN SOMEONE SAYS HE DOESN’T WANT TO BE DISTURBED, THAT MEANS “GO BOTHER ROBBIE.”

Joe “Robbie” Robertson resolves to look for a new job.

Nekron resolves to be a little more choosy about who gets to come back from the dead. Eight billion dead Kryptonians and Golden Glider gets a ring? Yeesh.

Snake Eyes resolves to

Emma Frost resolves to stop speaking like a British aristocrat and be more true to her roots. The noble city a Bahstin has produced a great number a wikkid strong leadahs, an’ workin’ with Scott Summahs has shown her theah’s no reason whatsoevah to hide her natural accent any longah. GO SOX!

Dr. Victor von Doom resolves to make this the year that he crushes the accursed Reed Richards and his “Fantastic” Four! Their effrontery will no longer be tolerated! This, Doom swears!!

Doom also swears to lose ten pounds. Doom’s armor has been getting a little tight since Doomsgiving.

Elsewhere on the web:

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