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The Dubious Romantic Messages of 1980′s ‘Super Friends’ Valentines

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, and for a lot of us, that means it’s time once again to try to find the best way to express our feelings to that special someone through the medium of a brightly colored piece of paper with a pun on it.

It’s a tough way to represent a feeling as complicated as love, but fortunately, cartoonist Mark Anderson has made it a little easier on all of us. Over at the Andertoons blog, he’s unearthed a set of Super Friends Valentines from 1980 that not only includes regular cards, but also delivers a handful of Action Valentines that will win your beloved’s heart through the power of simple papercraft.

Of course, there is a downside to all this, and that’s that combining themes of romance and friendship with masked vigilantes and murderous arch-criminals, the message can sometimes come off as more than a little sketchy. That’s why today, I’ve pulled out The Ten Most Dubious Super Friends Valentines, in hopes of helping you avoid an awkward situation on Febrary 14.

#10: Batman Will Find You

All right, look: I’m not even going to pretend that I personally would not consider this Valentine, in which Batman throws back his cape to reveal what I can only assume would be a hug honed by years of dedicated practice, to be the most romantic thing I had ever received. That said, “YOU CAN’T HIDE FROM ME, VALENTINE” is a little less romantic and a little more straight up stalkerish. This is a card that send the message that whoever sent it will use their uncanny detective skills to track you down and throw you into their personal Arkham Asylum of love, and that’s… that’s maybe the wrong message to send.

#9: Resistance Is Futile, My Love

“Be Mine” has always been one of the more aggressive Valentine’s Day sentiments, and here, it’s taken to the extreme. “Be Mine, or I will get my much stronger friend to physically restrain you.” Also, unless you have a very specific sort of relationship, likening your significant other to the Penguin is probably not going to do you any favors.

#8. HI!

There’s nothing particularly creepy about this one, I just really wish Green Lantern talked like this all the time. Seriously, tell me Blackest Night would not have been a hundred times better fi Hal Jordan was just like “HI! I’M GREEN LANTERN! DO YOU WANT TO BE PALS? NO? OK!” every time a bad guy showed up.

#7. You’re In My Power

And with this, we go from “vaguely threatening” to “downright megalomaniacal.” “Sproing” is just an added bonus.

#6. You Should’ve Kept Your Vital Organs In a Better Safe

It might just be the fact that the the unassembled Riddler Valentine appears to have a severed arm — which would let him fit right in with the current DC Universe — but there’s something about this one that just seems completely sinister. “I will steal your heart,” says the Riddler, having finally gone off the deep end. “I will open your rib cage like this safe and take your organs, and then you will love me.”

#5. I Brought My Pencil Umbrella!

I don’t feel tardy! Waugh waugh waugh!

#4. No Murders By Poison Joking

Originally I was going to write a joke here about how it was probably not a great idea to go telling your honey that he or she is terrific, just like a terrifying mass murdering clown, but then I realized that a heart-shaped version of the panels from Dark Knight Returns where the Joker goes “Batman. Darling.” would be the best Valentine ever. You win this round, Super Friends.

#3. Yeah. Really “Great.”

Oh come on, now you’re just being sarcastic.

#2. An Explosion of Love

Of all the Action Valentines, this one probably has the best motion features, which is nice, because the message here is that your love makes the Joker want to blow things up with dynamite. Seriously, who exactly is the target market here, Harley Quinn?

This one’s my absolute favorite, though:

#1. Cupid, Draw Back Your Bow

“If you think I’m nice, WHY ARE YOU SHOOTING ME WITH AN ARROW?!

That dude has no idea how to pitch proper woo, guys. No idea at all.

To check out the full set of 60 (!) Valentines, check out Andertoons, where they’ve been uploaded in high-res versions suitable for printing and giving out to that special super-villain in your life.

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